- Never start a novel with a word beginning with a vowel.
- It is important to create at least one character who has a foreign accent, and that his or her dialogue reflects it.
- When formulating plot, remember that writing is like juggling - the more balls you have in the air, the better you look.
- A comma is a writer’s best friend. Or maybe dogs come first, then commas. No, commas; definitely commas.
- A dictionary is the writer's best friend. All the words are there - all you have to do is get them in the right order. Wait a minute, I thought comma’s were a writer’s best friend!
- Men should never write first person female narratives. It is a subtle form of cross-dressing. Unless of course the author is a cross-dresser.
- Never use the word "said." Characters may laugh, wink, grin, or anything else but never, under any circumstances, should they "say" anything.
- The first sentence of a book is the most important. If a reader is not hooked right away, there is a 73% probability they will close the book after finishing that sentence and return the book for a full refund. There is a 90% chance that the prior sentence is completely made up.
- It is all right to use adverbs but only those that do not end with –ly.
- Avoid paragraphs with seven sentences each made up of seven seven-letter words. This instantly invokes an Old Gypsy Curse. Unless, of course, the author is an Old Gypsy.
- Don't start with a character regaining consciousness after a car accident. Agents don't like it.
- If you want to write historical fiction, it’s a lot easier to write about a person or event no one knows a thing about.
- Write your last chapter first, your first chapter fifth, your middle chapter at the end, and for your third draft, read them in that order.
- To make sure readers know your plot is exciting, be sure to end every sentence with an exclamation point.
- Never believe any writer tips articles published on April Fool’s Day. Come to think of it, never believe any writer tips articles. They are all written by people without any imagination.
Now that we’ve set that record straight, I would like to thank the people who helped brainstorm this list:
Michael S. Katz, author of Shalom on the Range
Rob Parnell, writing expert and instructor, Easy Way to Write
Janet Elaine Smith, with whom you can travel to Venezuela and back .
Ruth Sims, author of The Phoenix
Friar Jak, military strategist par excellence
Dianne Salerni, author of the upcoming We Hear the Dead
Jim Tedford, a man of infinite jest and most excellent fancy
!
with Clive Owen, Stephen Dillane, Keira Knightley, and Ioan Gruffud (aka Elerde of Leon... I wish.).
