With James Patterson's ostensibly nonfiction book, The Murder of King Tut: The Plot to Kill the Boy King - A Nonfiction Thriller, which is full of rather fanciful "facts" and as a result is climbing in sales rank on Amazon.com, Brandy Purdy and I decided it was time to put all those historical mysteries to rest. We know all the answers. I bet you can supply a few yourself!Who killed the little princes in the Tower?
That wasn't a hunchback after all, but Richard III's conjoined midget twin. During one of Richard's many opium induced trances, the midget killed the princes. Richard awoke with no memory of the event.
What happened to King John's treasure?
No, it was not lost in the Wash. It has been in a numbered Swiss bank account for nearly 800 years. It is on hold for when King Arthur finally gets around to waking up to save Britain.
Who was Jack the Ripper?
No, not the Prince of Wales. In fact, not even a man. Lizzie Borden, in Europe for her Grand Tour, killed the prostitutes when they rebuffed her lesbian advances with scornful accusations of "Unnatural!" She killed her parents because they found out.
Who killed the Lindbergh baby?
Nobody. He was kidnapped by his real mother and raised by her in isolation on an island in the South Pacific. Her name was Amelia Earhart.
Who was the woman who claimed to be the daughter of Czar Nicholas, Anastasia?
Just look at her! It's Ingrid Bergman. Who else? Sheesh.
Was Richard the Lionhearted gay?
No, it was just an army recruiting campaign that was wildly successful.
Was Marie Antoinette guilty in the notorious affair of the stolen diamond necklace?
Though Marie Antoinette was accused of stealing it and a trial full of shady characters followed, now the truth can be told: Wanting to impress her Swedish lover, Count Fersen, Marie Antoinette wore the necklace one time to an intimate little dinner, but the "lady" delegated to return it stole and dismantled it instead. Leaving Marie Antoinette in a predicament. She could not reveal the truth without revealing her liaison with Fersen.
What happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke?
An Indian shaman turned all the settlers into deer then gave a huge feast where the venison was served with a rich delicious bordellaise sauce.
What lies within the Bermuda Triangle?
A squared hyponews which is equal to a squared bee square.
Was Elizabeth I really a man?
Yes. Wanting to prove that women were just as good as men, proud Anne Boleyn concealed the fact that her "daughter" was actually a son and brought him up as a female, bribing trusted like minded nursery attendants to keep the secret. Even though this duplicity cost Anne her life when she failed to provide Henry with a male heir, she was vindicated by her "daughter's" greatness in the end. Amy Robsart was silenced because she knew her husband, Sir Robert Dudley, was having a homosexual affair with the "Queen".
Why were the Knights Templar destroyed?
It was a banking scandal. They had invested in sub prime mortgages and derivatives and were bankrupting the country. The Frecnh Royal Reserve decided they were too big to fail, so King Philip took all the money and nationalized the Templars, which just means he did not have to share the money, and the CEOs of all the Templar banks were burned at the stake. They were tied to the stake face forward, thus the origin of the expression "stakeholders".
Did the Donner Party revert to cannibalism when they were lost in the snow?
When their pastor died in the Sierra Nevada, they found among his belongings a book called To Serve Man. They had thought it was a work about charitable acts. it turned out to be a cookbook.
What happened to Atlantis?
Thanks to the popularity of hundreds of fast food restaurants the population became immensely fat. This sank the fabled city but enterprising entrepreneurs managed to escape and centuries later founded MacDonald's. The golden arches are actually a replica of the golden arches that topped Atlantis' finest eatery, the last thing it's proprietor saw as it sank beneath the sea.
But, you cry, some of these things happened at quite different times and involve people who could not have been there at the same time! We reply, what's that got to do with book sales?
About your historical sleuths
Brandy Purdy is the author of The Confession of Piers Gaveston, and of The Boleyn Wife which is due to be released by Kensington Books in January 2010.
Nan Hawthorne is the author of An Involuntary King: A Tale of Anglo Saxon England and Alehouse Tales, due out Winter 2010..
Can you prove that it did not happen? You can? Well, so what?
