Historically Off Center Now Lives on Facebook

"Not amused." 

... where you can add your own jokes, stories, blog posts, and artwork.

Hysterical History: History Jokes and Cartoons
https://www.facebook.com/groups/hystericalhistory/

Unseasonable Rites: If They Celebrated Thanksgiving

his is what they would give thanks for:

Richard III - Free parking.

Marie Antoinette - That the peasants did not expect to get ice cream with their cake.

Henry V - My fine, strong, healthy son.

Lucretia Borgia - The chemistry set my Papa gave me.

Lincoln - Great seats at the theater.

John Wilkes Booth - Some whose name was Mudd.

James II - That kings can't be fired.

Elizabeth I - Ladies who borrow your dresses before you have a chance to try them on.

William Rufus - A bit of time off to go hunting in the New Forest.

Robert the Bruce - My Spidey sense.

Aethelflaed - Ethelraed, my favorite Mercian.

Thomas à Becket - Friends in high places.

Anne Boleyn - I enjoy being a girl.

Joan of Arc - Well, I don't.

Edward II - Good friends.

Richard the Lionhearted - My good and trustworthy brother who looks after things at home while I am away at the Crusades.

Katherine Parr - Widowhood.

Any suggestions? Use the Comments link below.

Watch Me Make 10 Days Disappear!

4 October 1582 – Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian Calendar. In Italy, Poland, Portugal, and Spain, October 4 of this year is followed directly by October 15 and a whole bunch of people are cheated out of birthday parties.

Jests in Time: That Poor Lightbulb

Q: How many historical novelists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Well, that depends on which light bub you mean. Do you mean the absolute first one? That was in 1850. Joseph Swan used carbonized filaments. They burned out pretty quickly, so you'd need plenty of people ready to change it. Swan registered the first UK patent for a covering a partial vacuum, carbon filament incandescent lamp. The first light bulb using a tungsten filament that was hardier and did not burn out so frequently was invented by Thomas Edison in 1878. It only required one person to change it. That was good for Edison, who was a pretty mean customer, I can tell you. He didn't want a lot of people hanging around to see what he was up to.   

It makes quite a story. Let me tell you all about it... Once upon a time...

---

CONTEST!

Create a historical joke using the familiar joke line "How many ____ does it take to change a light bulb?" and provide the funny or ironic or downright silly answer.   Email to Kit at christopherhmoss@gmail.com with the subject line "History Joke". You have until April 15.. shouldn't be too taxing. We will post all the entries and ask for votes.   Prize? A t-shirt with "Historically Off Center" printed on it.

Hysterically Historical - Drown Like an Egyptian

 

Dere was dis man who lived in Egypt.  He was blind,

but he just would not get a guide dog.  One day

he was walking by da river and he fell in and drowned.

You know why?

 

Because he was in de Nile.

 

 

(c) 2013 C H Moss

Getting Medieval on your Funny Bone - The Beheading of Anne Balloon

Horrible Histories - The Wives of Henry VIII (Terrible Tudors)

Silly Searches Getting Thin

I wish I was a s clever  as historical novelist Susan Higginbotham, whose responses to the strange phrases people used to find.. well, something... not nevessrily her site... were always just hysterical.

I am not sure if searchers are becoming more skillful or j ust no one is interested in anything remotely resembling my various sites, but even looking at several I come up with a dearth of fodder for my ripostes...

From this very blog

full suit of plate I wonder if they meant "full plate of stew"?

From That's All I Read

bisecual  The two legged or two wheeled kind?

novel of pioneer brothers who at times share each others wives   Um, in the book I'm thinking of it wasn't wives they were sharing... ahem.


From Call Me Kit: A Transgender Jounrey

boy or girl?   Precisely.

Hysterical History - Macedonian Shaggy Dog Story

 

 

Alexander the Great was having problems coordinating his military activities until he asked his alchemist for assistance. After considerable experimenting, the alchemist came up with a photosensitive fluid. When a piece of fabric was immersed in it, the fabric would change color with the intensity of sunlight. Ever officer in his army got a strip of this fabric thus treated to wear on his wrist. Thereafter, wherever Alexander's army divisions were, they knew when to attack. The strip became known as Alexander's Rag Time Band!


Hysterical History - Empirical Science

If Minstrels Could Text

Some useful text acronyms for Ye Old Blackberry.

Modern	Meaning	Forsoothly	What it stands for
TTFN	Ta ta for now	TTTA	Talk to thee anon.
B4N	Bye for now	FTW4TN	Fare thee well for the nonce.
BRB	Be right back.	ISRWH	I shall return with haste.
BFF	Best friends forever	BLE	Bosom leman everlasting
LOL	Laughing out loud	UM	Unbridled merriment
OMG	Oh My God	MGLIP	Most gracious Lord in Paradise
FU	F*** you	HCKOT	Havc carnal knowledge of thyself
IDK	I don’t know	IKN	I know not

I bet you have better ones.

The Lay of the First Minstrel - Queen of the Angles

The following story did not make it into the novel, An Involuntary King: A Tale of Anglo Saxon England, but it remains one of my favorite treatments of the novel's heroine, Queen Josephine. The second, which did make it in, is the encounter between her and the mercenary Elerde in the woods near Keito Uxello. I had a lot of trouble warming up to Laura's Josephine, but the more Laura advocated for her strength, the more I liked the woman. To see how much she changed, take a look at the Old Stories at An Involuntary King: The Stories.

While there are still plenty of anachronisms in the story, you can see that I was beginning learn more about Anglo Saxon England at the point in 2006 that I wrote it.

Queen of the Angles

Part 1

"Och, and are ye not the prettiest boy I have e'er seen?" laughed Shannon as he saw the Queen coming toward him, dressed in a shorter gown and leg wrappings. She had put her long hair into a knot as well, wanting to have as much freedom of movement for her sword lessons with Rory as possible.


Josephine smiled at him, but did not say anything, her eyes scanning the courtyard for her new teacher.

Shannon smiled, "He shall be here with ye momentarily, me lady. He did ask me to escort ye to the field of honor." He put out an elbow, but Josephine just started walking next to him to the area the King and knights used for swordplay.

Rory was already there, wearing a helm and a leather brigantine with metal sunbursts spaced all over it. The Queen could see he was testing the weight of some wooden swords. She had her own new sword sheathed at her side. "Well met, Rory," she called. "Are we not going to use real swords?"

Shannon had gone over the low fence that demarcated the fighting area and sat. "Och, me lady, if ye use real swords, ye might be cut, and I am thinkin' the King wouldnae be too pleased about that."

Josephine fool wed the comment with a counter suggestion. "Then what if you use a wooden sword, and I use my real sword?"

At Rory's look Shannon burst into laughter and almost fell over backward on the fence. "Nay, for ye might harm him! That it seems is his true purpose, I am thinkin'!"

Rory gave his friend an indulgent look. "Nay, beggin'' your pardon, me lady, but 'tis better to learn with a wooden sword first and master all the cuts and wards, then move on to lethal weapons. Believe me, we all learned this way, e'en the King I'll warrant."

Josephine accepted the explanation. "I can guess what a cut is, but what is a 'ward'?"

Rory came towards her, handed her a wooden sword and then took a firm stance. "A ward is the position ye take to be after gaugin' your opponent but not make yourself vulnerable to his blows. We shall work more with those when we add a shield." He gestured to his posture. "First, me lady, let us work on your stance. Try standin' as am I."

Josephine carefully examined how Rory was standing. She spread her feet for better stability then placed one slightly back and sideways. She bent forward at her hips and held her arms out and forward, the wooden sword in her right hand. Rory grinned. "Excellent, me lady!"

Rory came towards her. "I shall, if ye will forgive me, try to push you over." He saw her look of determination and proceeded. He moved to her side quickly and gave her a shove with both hands on her shoulder. She staggered sideways and almost fell. Shannon was back on his perch and smiling.

Rory said, "Now ye see what can happen. Ye must learn to stand even more stoutly. In many ways, a strong stance is the best defense.. and offense."

The Queen took another stance. "How is it an offensive advantage?"

Rory was looking at her feet and moving them with his own, tapping to indicate he wanted her to move slightly. "Ye must strive both to resist the force of the other man.. fighter, I am meanin'.. but also to be able to move quickly, either in offense or defense."

Josephine nodded. "I see."

Rory gave her a push again and this time she stumbled only slightly. "Much better. Much better. Keep practicing that, me lady."

"Now?" she asked.

"Now and forever," he answered.

Shannon had swung his lute off his back and was picking out a tune and some variations.

Rory proceeded to show the Queen several sword actions.

"A high cut, to split the skull" he stated and stood with his legs apart and his right arm straight up from his shoulder and the sword tip back. Josephine copied the stance. She mimicked the downward sweep of his arm.

Rory then moved his arm across his chest but still held the sword with the point up and back. "This cut is for hacking into the neck to remove the opponent's head." This time Josephine, her expression set firmly, followed Rory's slice forward and down, a backhanded blow.

"This one may be more difficult for ye, me lady, until ye develop the best stance." She watched as Rory pointed the sword straight at her midsection and lunged forward. "Ye can do damage from the shoulder to the thigh." Josephine followed suit.

Shannon spoke from where he was still composing a jaunty melody. "Show the Queen the cut that kills generations."

"Generations?" she inquired.

"Come over here, ye grand joker, so I can demonstrate on ye then," Rory laughed. Shannon reluctantly set down his lute and came over. He stood with his arms limp at his side, a long suffering look on his face. Rory laughed again, "Then mayhap in future ye shall keep your mouth shut." Rory let his sword hand drop, then stepped forward with the sword aimed right at Shannon's groin. "The low rising cut," he announced.

The Queen laughed. "I see… no more generations."

Rory nodded, and Shannon pretended to stagger away, his hands covering his groin. "Fé amae! Am trú-sa trá!"* he moaned. Then he went back to his melody.

Rory had the Queen practice the various cuts and jabs, first on an invisible opponent, then on a straw filled dummy hung from a crossbeam. She put all her energy into the moves, growing hot and sweaty, but making obvious progress. Rory was beaming at how fast she learned.

Shannon mostly concentrated on his composition, but he did look up from time to time to watch the Queen practice. When Rory suggested they break off and continue another day, Shannon observed, "Congratulations, your grace, ye can now kill a straw dummy."

Rory quipped, "Or Shannon."

Part 2

The King was not at all surprised at his wife's persistence in learning the use of a sword from the former Irish soldier. He knew her better than anyone, saving her own brother of course, and knew how seriously she took anything she saw as important. She was stubborn, yes, but it was a stubbornness born of commitment, not contrariness. He admired how she practiced every day that she could, and sometimes he observed her secretly.

Josephine had, with Rory's help and Shannon's wry encouragement, advanced quickly in steadying her stance and perfecting the various cuts and jabs she had learned. Now she was mastering holding a stout but not overheavy shield in different positions to test their usefulness in deflecting an opponent's blows.

As she waited for Rory and Shannon in the practice area one cool late October morning she examined the shield she was using. She could not say what it was about it, but the shield fascinated her. It was made of lime tree wood with an iron boss in the middle. Rory had explained that the protruding boss was itself a potential weapon, though its primary use was to hold a firm metal grip on the user's side. She held that grip now in her thickly gloved hand. She thought perhaps what caught her interest was the damage to this shield, the nicks and dents in the wood and even one good scrape on the boss. Had this shield been used only in practice, or might it have saved some soldier's life at some time. She did not know. She did not ask. She wanted to wonder.

She saw Rory and Shannon coming towards her, the latter carrying his constant companion, his lute. He had continued his composing, leaving to practice words to a song he was writing. She and Rory were going to have to wait to hear the song until it was done and he was satisfied, as was his custom. They knew it would be well worth the wait.

"Me lady, well met!" Rory cast his sunlit smile at her. "Today we will fight with shield and sword!"

Josephine greeted her friends and the news with excitement. "Aye?! " She hurried to pick up the wooden sword she had been using.

When she returned to face Rory, Shannon had already taken his accustomed place on the fence. He had been so much happier of late than when he and Heather lived in the castle. Their small cottage on the edge of town had smoothed so many of the sharp edges of their marriage. Josephine knew that nothing could smooth them all, Heather being Heather and Shannon being Shannon, but it was nice to see them smiling at each other and to hear Heather singing quietly to herself in Scots as she worked around her home and played with Seamus. The Queen hoped and prayed this contentment would last.

When the Queen had advanced well enough with the shield positions, she had been surprised when the next time Rory handed her a helm to put on. She had to redo her hair in a lower bun to allow it to settled firmly on her head. She found the thing quite uncomfortable, but she resolutely bore the discomfort. She knew as soon as she saw the helm that they had come to the point when Rory was going to provide her with real cuts to ward off. Her excitement was almost palpable.

And she was not disappointed. Although cautious at first, Rory soon challenged her with quick and difficult blows to deflect. She had taken many bruises to her arms and legs but had done all she could to ignore her husband's worried and sometimes reproachful looks. The one time he had remarked on a large bruise on her hip, she had recalled what he himself had said when in demonstrating sword against gallowglass he had cut Rory. She paraphrased those words, ""Aye.. that's what wooden swords do." He had stared, then, remembering, smiled and she had smiled back.

She was ready to move on today, anxious to learn new skills. Rory had donned his own sword and shield. "Now we are getting serious," Josephine thought to herself.

He had her review all the cuts she had learned, all the while holding the shield in place. Then he had her show him the various ways of holding the shield at different angles, inside, outside, high and low.. describing the pros and cons of each. He had her practice moving the shield as if she was warding of multiple blows. She was learning fast as she went through this catechism that coordinating sword and shield would be her greatest challenge to date.

"Now, me lady, your lesson on wards," Rory grinned. "Wards are your approach to an opponent and combines what ye have learned so far."

"And sure and I have no 'wards' to describe it," Shannon punned, not even looking up from his lute.

After showing her the high ward, which was just the high cut with the shield ready but out of the way, Rory went on to show her the ox ward, with the sword held over the head, almost parallel to the ground. "Like an ox horn," Rory explained.

"One very odd looking ox, methinks," came the inevitable response from Shannon.

The side ward was simply holding one's sword a-ready at one's side pointing either up or down and bending the opposite knee for a lunge.

"This is the plow ward," Rory explained, as he held his sword at waist height towards her with its tip raised.

"Why is it called that?" the Queen asked. So used were they to Shannon's running commentary, that Rory and she just turned and looked at him. He looked up from his lute, gazing at them from under his eyebrows with a mischievous smile on his lips. "Me lady, it is called that because once ye have seen someone comin' at ye like that, ye will drop your sword and go back to your plow." They rewarded him with a delighted laugh.

This demonstration and a short practice was just a prelude to the real excitement for Rory then announced, "Ye cannae learn wards just by posing in them, but only by practicing against an attacker."

He had Josephine take her stance, choosing her shield and sword position, and then placed himself facing her . "Try out wards to see which gives ye the best judgment as to how I might be after attackin' ye.. then tell me which felt best." He proceeded to make cuts, jabs and other moves, including feints, towards her.

She found her heart racing as they engaged. The energy flowing through her reminded her of how she felt when riding a galloping horse. Her color was high, her breathing rapid.

"Och, so much violence," Shannon sighed melodramatically, "I shall go commune with the Muse in private to heal me tattered soul." Rory rolled his eyes, but he smiled and nodded as his friend took his leave.

"I think he has been composing a song about all this," Josephine suggested. "Heaven help us."

Rory laughed.

Through the rest of this day's lesson and through many a day of practice after, the Queen tried numerous combinations of shield, sword, stance and motion, slowly developing an instinct for gauging Rory's intent and finding her own advantage. He added to her knowledge that outsmarting an opponent with a feint can open up vulnerable spots. She laughed, "Mayhap 'tis good Shannon is occupied.. I can just see him 'fainting' to demonstrate a 'feint'". If anything their time together strengthened her and Rory's lifelong friendship.

The Queen had been able to tell that quickly Rory was not holding back, and she appreciated this and knew he was carefully enhancing her real skill. She was certain Lawrence could never have let himself make any actual blows. Choosing Rory had been the right decision. Rory had the sense to know she would learn nothing otherwise, and then someday if she needed the new skills she developed, she would be placed in the way of harm. Rory was protecting her by teaching her well to protect herself.

One day near the Winter Solstice, the days quite short and the air cold and crisp, Rory announced. "Me lady, 'tis time to fight in earnest."

"With real swords?" she asked.

He gave her a humorous smile. "That will come, but for now 'twill not be a lesson, but a true battle. I shall not hold back, and me lady, nor should ye." He looked at her in all seriousness.

The Queen nodded, her breath already becoming quick. "Calm, calm, calm," she chanted to herself. She took her stance, shield inside and sword at side ward. Rory stood before her, gauging her stance as he himself held his shield low and his sword in ox ward. She made the first move.

Lunging forward, Josephine moved to jab at Rory under his shield. He deftly stepped aside and swung his sword forward and down. She raised her shield and caught the blow on it, pushing with it against his sword with all her strength. She thrust upward with her sword, trying to beat off Rory's own. He jumped back, and her sword cut nothing but the air between them. Instinctively, Josephine let the sword continue to go up, moving into a high ward and stepped forward to make a high cut. Rory raised his shield to defend his head, and Josephine completed the feint by stepping quickly to Rory's shield side and sweeping her sword down to the left to aim a blow at his exposed legs.

"Ho!" came the King's voice from behind and slightly to the right of the Queen. "Bravely done! Bravely done, my lady!"

Josephine dropped her sword to her side and turned to look at him amazed. "My lord, I did not know you were there!"

He glanced at Rory and made a gesture that said, "Be my guest" and before Josephine realized what it had meant, she found Rory's wooden sword coming down on the top of her helm, just hard enough to make a clang.

Lawrence walked up and putting his hands on his hips, he grinned at her.

"I know, I know, never turn your back on your enemy," she smiled.

He stood to attention and struck his chest with his fist in a sign of respect. "My lady, McGuinness told me you would be at your most impressive today. He was right."

Josephine looked at Rory, who had put down his sword and shield. "I wish you would have told me the King would be watching."

Rory smiled. "Nay, ye dinnae want to know.. 'twould have dampened your ferocity."

"Ferocity, 'tis just the word, I will warrant," Lawrence remarked. There was no mockery in his voice.

Josephine handed Rory her sword and shield, took off the helm, and handed it to him as well. She took her husband's arm and started walking with him towards the keep. "My lord, be honest. What do you think I must next work on? What are my weaknesses." She continued to pepper him with questions.

He answered as best he could. "I shall need to see you in more battles to say for certain, but I think I can give ye some tips." He was beaming,. He cast a happy look back at Rory, who bowed and looked satisfied.

Part 3

The Queen noticed how her royal gowns fit her differently now she had toned muscles in her arms and shoulders. The King seemed to like her this way. As the only man who saw her bare, he looked her over and nodded with approval. "This becomes you greatly, my love. Not the bruises, but they will fade."

She had settled into him as they stood and remarked, "I rather like it when you come to me bruised. It tells me you do not brook hesitation in your opponents." The comment had delighted him.

The evening of the day of the demonstration Rory had set up for the King, the feasting had been at least as merry as it have ever been. Josephine basked in the King's look of pride at her. It held something more as well, she thought, then realized that it was.. respect. The realization made her so happy she leaned and kissed him right in front of the entire court.

The royal couple was smiling and laughing with each other when Shannon appeared for his nightly songs and stories. All turned to listen.

"Sure and I have a special song for ye this night, me lords and ladies." He sat on the stool, one leg bent and the foot on one of the rungs, took his lute in his arms and strummed a few notes. Then he said, "This is for her grace the Queen."

He began to sing "Queen of the Angles".

Melody

"In some kingdoms I know the queens sit and sew And dream of their jewels and gold bangles, But in Linnis there be a sight ye should see, The sword-wielding Queen of the Angles!"

Josephine laughed and put her hands on her cheeks. She heard Lawrence laughing delightedly as well.

Shannon went on singing, softening his voice for lines referring to the Queen's beauty, but then shifting to a heroic tone when her fighting skill was described.

"Her stature is small but she gives it her all This sword-wielding Queen of the Angles. Her eyes blue and soft, 'til her sword is aloft And her enemy's shield wall she mangles!

"Her voice it is sweet, but bent on defeat, The enemy's war cry she strangles. She stands straight and square, with long golden hair, The sword-wielding Queen of the Angles.

"Warlords strong, stout and brave will she send to their grave, This sword-wielding Queen of the Angles. Their surrender demands while from one dainty hand Their very existence she dangles.

"With a weapon mysterious making foes quite delirious She leaves them with limbs all in tangles.. The fair lady I sing won the heart of a King She's the sword-wielding Queen of the Angles."

* Old Irish, "Woe indeed. I am a dead man for sure!"

Next: Shannon and Heather Start to Unravel

"Och, and are ye not the prettiest boy I have e'er seen?" laughed Shannon as he saw the Queen coming toward him, dressed in a shorter gown and leg wrappings. She had put her long hair into a knot as well, wanting to have as much freedom of movement for her sword lessons with Rory as possible.

Josephine smiled at him, but did not say anything, her eyes scanning the courtyard for her new teacher.

Shannon smiled, "He shall be here with ye momentarily, me lady. He did ask me to escort ye to the field of honor." He put out an elbow, but Josephine just started walking next to him to the area the King and knights used for swordplay.

Rory was already there, wearing a helm and a leather brigantine with metal sunbursts spaced all over it. The Queen could see he was testing the weight of some wooden swords. She had her own new sword sheathed at her side. "Well met, Rory," she called. "Are we not going to use real swords?"

Shannon had gone over the low fence that demarcated the fighting area and sat. "Och, me lady, if ye use real swords, ye might be cut, and I am thinkin' the King wouldnae be too pleased about that."

Josephine fool wed the comment with a counter suggestion. "Then what if you use a wooden sword, and I use my real sword?"

At Rory's look Shannon burst into laughter and almost fell over backward on the fence. "Nay, for ye might harm him! That it seems is his true purpose, I am thinkin'!"

Rory gave his friend an indulgent look. "Nay, beggin'' your pardon, me lady, but 'tis better to learn with a wooden sword first and master all the cuts and wards, then move on to lethal weapons. Believe me, we all learned this way, e'en the King I'll warrant."

Josephine accepted the explanation. "I can guess what a cut is, but what is a 'ward'?"

Rory came towards her, handed her a wooden sword and then took a firm stance. "A ward is the position ye take to be after gaugin' your opponent but not make yourself vulnerable to his blows. We shall work more with those when we add a shield." He gestured to his posture. "First, me lady, let us work on your stance. Try standin' as am I."

Josephine carefully examined how Rory was standing. She spread her feet for better stability then placed one slightly back and sideways. She bent forward at her hips and held her arms out and forward, the wooden sword in her right hand. Rory grinned. "Excellent, me lady!"

Rory came towards her. "I shall, if ye will forgive me, try to push you over." He saw her look of determination and proceeded. He moved to her side quickly and gave her a shove with both hands on her shoulder. She staggered sideways and almost fell. Shannon was back on his perch and smiling.

Rory said, "Now ye see what can happen. Ye must learn to stand even more stoutly. In many ways, a strong stance is the best defense.. and offense."

The Queen took another stance. "How is it an offensive advantage?"

Rory was looking at her feet and moving them with his own, tapping to indicate he wanted her to move slightly. "Ye must strive both to resist the force of the other man.. fighter, I am meanin'.. but also to be able to move quickly, either in offense or defense."

Josephine nodded. "I see."

Rory gave her a push again and this time she stumbled only slightly. "Much better. Much better. Keep practicing that, me lady."

"Now?" she asked.

"Now and forever," he answered.

Shannon had swung his lute off his back and was picking out a tune and some variations.

Rory proceeded to show the Queen several sword actions.

"A high cut, to split the skull" he stated and stood with his legs apart and his right arm straight up from his shoulder and the sword tip back. Josephine copied the stance. She mimicked the downward sweep of his arm.

Rory then moved his arm across his chest but still held the sword with the point up and back. "This cut is for hacking into the neck to remove the opponent's head." This time Josephine, her expression set firmly, followed Rory's slice forward and down, a backhanded blow.

"This one may be more difficult for ye, me lady, until ye develop the best stance." She watched as Rory pointed the sword straight at her midsection and lunged forward. "Ye can do damage from the shoulder to the thigh." Josephine followed suit.

Shannon spoke from where he was still composing a jaunty melody. "Show the Queen the cut that kills generations."

"Generations?" she inquired.

"Come over here, ye grand joker, so I can demonstrate on ye then," Rory laughed. Shannon reluctantly set down his lute and came over. He stood with his arms limp at his side, a long suffering look on his face. Rory laughed again, "Then mayhap in future ye shall keep your mouth shut." Rory let his sword hand drop, then stepped forward with the sword aimed right at Shannon's groin. "The low rising cut," he announced.

The Queen laughed. "I see… no more generations."

Rory nodded, and Shannon pretended to stagger away, his hands covering his groin. "Fé amae! Am trú-sa trá!"* he moaned. Then he went back to his melody.

Rory had the Queen practice the various cuts and jabs, first on an invisible opponent, then on a straw filled dummy hung from a crossbeam. She put all her energy into the moves, growing hot and sweaty, but making obvious progress. Rory was beaming at how fast she learned.

Shannon mostly concentrated on his composition, but he did look up from time to time to watch the Queen practice. When Rory suggested they break off and continue another day, Shannon observed, "Congratulations, your grace, ye can now kill a straw dummy."

Rory quipped, "Or Shannon."

The King was not at all surprised at his wife's persistence in learning the use of a sword from the former Irish soldier. He knew her better than anyone, saving her own brother of course, and knew how seriously she took anything she saw as important. She was stubborn, yes, but it was a stubbornness born of commitment, not contrariness. He admired how she practiced every day that she could, and sometimes he observed her secretly.

Josephine had, with Rory's help and Shannon's wry encouragement, advanced quickly in steadying her stance and perfecting the various cuts and jabs she had learned. Now she was mastering holding a stout but not overheavy shield in different positions to test their usefulness in deflecting an opponent's blows.

As she waited for Rory and Shannon in the practice area one cool late October morning she examined the shield she was using. She could not say what it was about it, but the shield fascinated her. It was made of lime tree wood with an iron boss in the middle. Rory had explained that the protruding boss was itself a potential weapon, though its primary use was to hold a firm metal grip on the user's side. She held that grip now in her thickly gloved hand. She thought perhaps what caught her interest was the damage to this shield, the nicks and dents in the wood and even one good scrape on the boss. Had this shield been used only in practice, or might it have saved some soldier's life at some time. She did not know. She did not ask. She wanted to wonder.

She saw Rory and Shannon coming towards her, the latter carrying his constant companion, his lute. He had continued his composing, leaving to practice words to a song he was writing. She and Rory were going to have to wait to hear the song until it was done and he was satisfied, as was his custom. They knew it would be well worth the wait.

"Me lady, well met!" Rory cast his sunlit smile at her. "Today we will fight with shield and sword!"

Josephine greeted her friends and the news with excitement. "Aye?! " She hurried to pick up the wooden sword she had been using.

When she returned to face Rory, Shannon had already taken his accustomed place on the fence. He had been so much happier of late than when he and Heather lived in the castle. Their small cottage on the edge of town had smoothed so many of the sharp edges of their marriage. Josephine knew that nothing could smooth them all, Heather being Heather and Shannon being Shannon, but it was nice to see them smiling at each other and to hear Heather singing quietly to herself in Scots as she worked around her home and played with Seamus. The Queen hoped and prayed this contentment would last.

When the Queen had advanced well enough with the shield positions, she had been surprised when the next time Rory handed her a helm to put on. She had to redo her hair in a lower bun to allow it to settled firmly on her head. She found the thing quite uncomfortable, but she resolutely bore the discomfort. She knew as soon as she saw the helm that they had come to the point when Rory was going to provide her with real cuts to ward off. Her excitement was almost palpable.

And she was not disappointed. Although cautious at first, Rory soon challenged her with quick and difficult blows to deflect. She had taken many bruises to her arms and legs but had done all she could to ignore her husband's worried and sometimes reproachful looks. The one time he had remarked on a large bruise on her hip, she had recalled what he himself had said when in demonstrating sword against gallowglass he had cut Rory. She paraphrased those words, ""Aye.. that's what wooden swords do." He had stared, then, remembering, smiled and she had smiled back.

She was ready to move on today, anxious to learn new skills. Rory had donned his own sword and shield. "Now we are getting serious," Josephine thought to herself.

He had her review all the cuts she had learned, all the while holding the shield in place. Then he had her show him the various ways of holding the shield at different angles, inside, outside, high and low.. describing the pros and cons of each. He had her practice moving the shield as if she was warding of multiple blows. She was learning fast as she went through this catechism that coordinating sword and shield would be her greatest challenge to date.

"Now, me lady, your lesson on wards," Rory grinned. "Wards are your approach to an opponent and combines what ye have learned so far."

"And sure and I have no 'wards' to describe it," Shannon punned, not even looking up from his lute.

After showing her the high ward, which was just the high cut with the shield ready but out of the way, Rory went on to show her the ox ward, with the sword held over the head, almost parallel to the ground. "Like an ox horn," Rory explained.

"One very odd looking ox, methinks," came the inevitable response from Shannon.

The side ward was simply holding one's sword a-ready at one's side pointing either up or down and bending the opposite knee for a lunge.

"This is the plow ward," Rory explained, as he held his sword at waist height towards her with its tip raised.

"Why is it called that?" the Queen asked. So used were they to Shannon's running commentary, that Rory and she just turned and looked at him. He looked up from his lute, gazing at them from under his eyebrows with a mischievous smile on his lips. "Me lady, it is called that because once ye have seen someone comin' at ye like that, ye will drop your sword and go back to your plow." They rewarded him with a delighted laugh.

This demonstration and a short practice was just a prelude to the real excitement for Rory then announced, "Ye cannae learn wards just by posing in them, but only by practicing against an attacker."

He had Josephine take her stance, choosing her shield and sword position, and then placed himself facing her . "Try out wards to see which gives ye the best judgment as to how I might be after attackin' ye.. then tell me which felt best." He proceeded to make cuts, jabs and other moves, including feints, towards her.

She found her heart racing as they engaged. The energy flowing through her reminded her of how she felt when riding a galloping horse. Her color was high, her breathing rapid.

"Och, so much violence," Shannon sighed melodramatically, "I shall go commune with the Muse in private to heal me tattered soul." Rory rolled his eyes, but he smiled and nodded as his friend took his leave.

"I think he has been composing a song about all this," Josephine suggested. "Heaven help us."

Rory laughed.

Through the rest of this day's lesson and through many a day of practice after, the Queen tried numerous combinations of shield, sword, stance and motion, slowly developing an instinct for gauging Rory's intent and finding her own advantage. He added to her knowledge that outsmarting an opponent with a feint can open up vulnerable spots. She laughed, "Mayhap 'tis good Shannon is occupied.. I can just see him 'fainting' to demonstrate a 'feint'". If anything their time together strengthened her and Rory's lifelong friendship.

The Queen had been able to tell that quickly Rory was not holding back, and she appreciated this and knew he was carefully enhancing her real skill. She was certain Lawrence could never have let himself make any actual blows. Choosing Rory had been the right decision. Rory had the sense to know she would learn nothing otherwise, and then someday if she needed the new skills she developed, she would be placed in the way of harm. Rory was protecting her by teaching her well to protect herself.

One day near the Winter Solstice, the days quite short and the air cold and crisp, Rory announced. "Me lady, 'tis time to fight in earnest."

"With real swords?" she asked.

He gave her a humorous smile. "That will come, but for now 'twill not be a lesson, but a true battle. I shall not hold back, and me lady, nor should ye." He looked at her in all seriousness.

The Queen nodded, her breath already becoming quick. "Calm, calm, calm," she chanted to herself. She took her stance, shield inside and sword at side ward. Rory stood before her, gauging her stance as he himself held his shield low and his sword in ox ward. She made the first move.

Lunging forward, Josephine moved to jab at Rory under his shield. He deftly stepped aside and swung his sword forward and down. She raised her shield and caught the blow on it, pushing with it against his sword with all her strength. She thrust upward with her sword, trying to beat off Rory's own. He jumped back, and her sword cut nothing but the air between them. Instinctively, Josephine let the sword continue to go up, moving into a high ward and stepped forward to make a high cut. Rory raised his shield to defend his head, and Josephine completed the feint by stepping quickly to Rory's shield side and sweeping her sword down to the left to aim a blow at his exposed legs.

"Ho!" came the King's voice from behind and slightly to the right of the Queen. "Bravely done! Bravely done, my lady!"

Josephine dropped her sword to her side and turned to look at him amazed. "My lord, I did not know you were there!"

He glanced at Rory and made a gesture that said, "Be my guest" and before Josephine realized what it had meant, she found Rory's wooden sword coming down on the top of her helm, just hard enough to make a clang.

Lawrence walked up and putting his hands on his hips, he grinned at her.

"I know, I know, never turn your back on your enemy," she smiled.

He stood to attention and struck his chest with his fist in a sign of respect. "My lady, McGuinness told me you would be at your most impressive today. He was right."

Josephine looked at Rory, who had put down his sword and shield. "I wish you would have told me the King would be watching."

Rory smiled. "Nay, ye dinnae want to know.. 'twould have dampened your ferocity."

"Ferocity, 'tis just the word, I will warrant," Lawrence remarked. There was no mockery in his voice.

Josephine handed Rory her sword and shield, took off the helm, and handed it to him as well. She took her husband's arm and started walking with him towards the keep. "My lord, be honest. What do you think I must next work on? What are my weaknesses." She continued to pepper him with questions.

He answered as best he could. "I shall need to see you in more battles to say for certain, but I think I can give ye some tips." He was beaming,. He cast a happy look back at Rory, who bowed and looked satisfied.

Part 3

The Queen noticed how her royal gowns fit her differently now she had toned muscles in her arms and shoulders. The King seemed to like her this way. As the only man who saw her bare, he looked her over and nodded with approval. "This becomes you greatly, my love. Not the bruises, but they will fade."

She had settled into him as they stood and remarked, "I rather like it when you come to me bruised. It tells me you do not brook hesitation in your opponents." The comment had delighted him.

The evening of the day of the demonstration Rory had set up for the King, the feasting had been at least as merry as it have ever been. Josephine basked in the King's look of pride at her. It held something more as well, she thought, then realized that it was.. respect. The realization made her so happy she leaned and kissed him right in front of the entire court.

The royal couple was smiling and laughing with each other when Shannon appeared for his nightly songs and stories. All turned to listen.

"Sure and I have a special song for ye this night, me lords and ladies." He sat on the stool, one leg bent and the foot on one of the rungs, took his lute in his arms and strummed a few notes. Then he said, "This is for her grace the Queen."

He began to sing "Queen of the Angles".

"In some kingdoms I know the queens sit and sew And dream of their jewels and gold bangles, But in Linnis there be a sight ye should see, The sword-wielding Queen of the Angles!"

Josephine laughed and put her hands on her cheeks. She heard Lawrence laughing delightedly as well.

Shannon went on singing, softening his voice for lines referring to the Queen's beauty, but then shifting to a heroic tone when her fighting skill was described.

"Her stature is small but she gives it her all This sword-wielding Queen of the Angles. Her eyes blue and soft, 'til her sword is aloft And her enemy's shield wall she mangles!

"Her voice it is sweet, but bent on defeat, The enemy's war cry she strangles. She stands straight and square, with long golden hair, The sword-wielding Queen of the Angles.

"Warlords strong, stout and brave will she send to their grave, This sword-wielding Queen of the Angles. Their surrender demands while from one dainty hand Their very existence she dangles.

"With a weapon mysterious making foes quite delirious She leaves them with limbs all in tangles.. The fair lady I sing won the heart of a King She's the sword-wielding Queen of the Angles."

* Old Irish, "Woe indeed. I am a dead man for sure!"

Lots more stories, many from the 1960s, even more from 2006-2007 at An Involuntary King: The Stories. The site will contain all the stories that did not make it into the novel and all of them that did.

Hysterical History - Roman Envy

Phalanx symbols

Getting Medieval on your Funny Bone: Raymond of Toulouse

Emperor Alexios to Raymond of Toulouse:

"No, Raymond.  Toulouse is your name, not your quest."

Idyll Curiosity

Please leave your answers in Comments.

What is your name?

What is your quest?

What is your favorite color?

Horrible Histories: Anglo Saxon Ordeals

Not a Lie Not Misrepresentation Simply Not Intended To Be a Factual Statement

As a purveyor of entertaining fictions,  I was fascinated to hear what his staffers said about Jon Kyl's statement that Planned Parenthood spent 90% of their time performing abortions. They said, and I quote, what Kyl said "was not intended as a factual statement".  However you feel about the issue, it might boggle the mind that inaccuracy is somehow OK.

But I got to thinking, here we are, we novelists, forced to jump through hoops on the copyright page of our novels, with all this rigmarole about "any resemblance to persons lliving or dead blah blah blah..."

We could be saving an awful lot of ink if we could just state "Nothing in this book is intended to be factual".

N'est-ce pas?

Originally posted 4/16/11.

The Babelfish Game

Have you ever played the Babelfish game? I won't say I invented it, but I did discover it for myself.

The way it works is that you put a sentence or, better yet, a paragraph into the Babelfish translator, translate it into another language, then either back into English or into yet another language and then back to English. The result can be hilarious, as when I put in something about my cat flopping over on the bed and how she likes to nurse on our arms. These banal statements became "She falls more towards the bed" and "nourishes on our arms".

It occurred to me that authors might enjoy taking their novel's blurb and putting it through the Babelfish game. For example, here is my blurb for An Involuntary King:

"An Involuntary King: His father dead at the hands of a usurper, a young king must prove himself in spite of his own self-doubt. He struggles against monumental opposition, while his beautiful young wife, the love of his life, is pursued by a darkly sensual mercenary."

What you need to do once it is translated is copy and paste the result, in this case the French, into the "Translate again" box and choose another set of languages. When I use Babelfish to translate that into French and then back again, I get this:

"An involuntary king: His generate completely with the hands one to usurp, a young king must be proven in spite of his own doubt of oneself. He fights against monumental opposition, whereas its beautiful young person marries, love of its life, is continued by a mercenary obscurely sensual."

I am so sure Lord Elerde would want his sensuality to be deemed "obscure" particularly by the king's "beautiful young person marries".

It gets funnier yet when you translate into one language and then another, then back into Engllish. This is English to French to German to English:

"An inadvertent king: Its completely cause to the hands; to abuse a young king must prove itself despite his own doubt of itself. It fights against monumental opposition, during their beautiful young person wife, Loves its life darkly by a sensuous mercenary one pursues."

Heavy, man! The father and the usurping get lost altogether.

Just for a lark, here is English to German to French to English:

"An involuntary king: Centres bring absolutely to a usurper violate, a young king owes to examine in spite of its own Coil-doubt. He fights against a remarkable opposition, his beautiful young woman who loves of her life, by dark sensual a mercenary one exerts."

You gotta look out for them Coil-doubts!

One hint: the game works better if the languages you translate from and to are not in the same language family. For example, Romance and German.

Have some fun with this. Would love to hear what Babelfish comes up with with your own novel's blurb!

Some Not-So-Intuitive Holiday Observances

Though I am not in any way religious, it always strikes me how odd Easter celebrations are. I know perfectly why we celebrate the resurrection of a messiah with chocolate bunnies and Cadbury "Death" Eggs. Nevertheless, it causes me to think of all the odd ways we celebrate ancient holidays. For instance:

Holiday - Commemoration - How We Celebrate

Easter - Death and resurrection of Jesus - We eat chocolate eggs and rabbits

Christmas - the birth of God made flesh - We max out our credit cards

Hanukkah - the triumph of the macabees - we max out our credit cards

Halloween - the thinning of the veil between the living and dead - We let our children disguise themselves as cartoon characters and beg for candy

St. Patrick's Day - the death of St. Patrick - we pretend we are Irish and drink until we wish we were as dead as he

Thanksgiving - celebration of people who left intolerance behind and found liberty in a new life - we go visit people whom we can barely tolerate and whom we escaped in order to have a free life

Valentine's Day - A fertility festival - small children give each other pieces of paper with bad puns on them

May Day - a fertility festival where a phallic symbol is erected and danced around - in socialist countries, phallic symbols are dragged in military processions and we salute them.

Labor Day - honoring working people - we get a day off

New Year's Day - we welcome a new year - we spend the day regretting what we did on the last night of the old year

Making Light of the Dark Ages: Bastardcard

Bastardcard (r)

Music Video from Pig's Ear

Full and Partial Decapitations

Originally published on 11/11/08.

... on book covers, that is.

Since most of the books I read come in anonymous little green boxes, it has only been since doing medieval-novels.com that I have become aware of a disturbing practice.. book covers that cut off all or part of a person's head.

To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, what is that all about? I just looked at Sandra Worth's new novel, The King's Daughter, and there is Elizabeth of York with the top of her head missing.

I mean you expect this sort of thing on erotica.. who cares what's way above those pecs, right? (I jokes.) But look at some of these covers and tell me if they don't make you a little queasy.







Even one of the designs for my own novel, An Involuntary King, had my hero's face split in half from crown to chin.. when you are engaged in medieval warfare, that hits a little too close to home, thank you very much. I opted for the shield and sword.

Someone told me that when a biography of Thomas Jefferson's wife was published there was no extant painting of the poor woman, so the publisher put someone else on the cover sans tête. Maybe Ms. Jefferson liked her dress...

Please, someone, tell me why our histoorical figures are being selectively guillotined? I mean, Marie Antoinette, oui.. but tout le monde?

Big Bernard Cornwall Fans Here!

The cat on the right actually prefers his Sharpe

novels.. more violence.

Fifty Shades of .... Gay?

You've heard of the scandalous novel Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James?  It just might spark more of an industry than just women's erotica... like the idiot's Guide and the 100 Best.. series.  Why not add to some of these we found in the Comments section below?

Of course I have to start with my own genre...

Fifty Shades of ... Gay!

How about these?

A book on veterinary care, Fifty Shades of ... Spay
Better that than Fifty Shades of ... Stray
Or for that matter, Fifty Shades of ... Spray

Donkeys.. or Democrats.. Fifty Shades of ... Bray

Terriers on a break  Fifty Shades of ... Tay (with sugar)
The tarrier on Friday... Fifty Shades of ... Pay

Titania and Oberon Fifty Shades of ... Fae

Old clothes  Fifty Shades of ... Fray
The beating prone headmaster  Fifty Shades of ... Flay

A matador  Fifty Shades of ... Ole!
A sculptor Fifty Shades of ... Clay
A South American revolutionary Fifty Shades of ... Che

A negative person  Fifty Shades of ... Nay
A worried person  Fifty Shades of ... Pray
A childish person  Fifty Shades of ... Play
An agreeable person  Fifty Shades of ... Yea
A bereft person  Fifty Shades of ... Stay
A congratulatory person Fifty Shades of ... Yay!

Author of Gentleman's Game  Fifty Shades of ... Greyson

Ms. Doris Von Kappeldorf  Fifty Shades of ... Day

And, Fifty Shades of ... OK!  Your turn!  use the comments form to give us your own ideas for a Fifty Shades of ... .

A Historical Mad Lib Game

If you are not familiar with the word game "Mad Libs", here's how it works. There is a short story already prepared where numerous words have been left blank. Their part of speech is noted and players asked to supply words that fit those parts of speech. The story is then read, or in this case printed, with the words filled in. The stories are often quite hilarious.

For example, let's say I ask you for this list of words:

animal, plural
adjective
noun, plural
verb, past tense
food
liquid

You supply:

animal, plural ostriches
adjective Protestant
noun, plural malted milk balls
verb, past tense voted
food popcorn
liquid melted snow

The story was:

This is the story of the three little _animal, plural_. They were afraid of the big _adjective_ wolf. They built a house made entirely of _noun, plural_. The wolf came and _verb, past tense_ their house down. He had them for dinner with a side of _food_ and a big glass of _liquid_.

Replacing the parts of speech left blank with the words you supplied, the story becomes:

This is the story of the three little ostriches. They were afraid of the big Protestant wolf. They built a house made entirely of malted milk balls. The wolf came and voted their house down. He had them for dinner with a side of popcorm and a big glass of melted snow.

Got it? OK. If not, ask one of your kids.

So here is the list of words for you to jot down.

This story will have a historical theme. Otherwise why would I post it here? Silly!

The Words:

adverb
adjective 1
body part
famous woman
building
adjective 2
place name
animal 1
man's first name
liquid
author
name of a play
plant
place
animal 2
occupation
type of person
emotion
adjective 3

Continues.


The Story

STOP! If you have not already read the abovve then you have already ruined it for everyone!

Well, not everyone... just yourself.

You were asked in that post to come up with a list of words based on parts of speech. It is sort of too late now, but if you want, go ahead and go back to that and do as you are bid.

For those of you who followed instructions like good little doobies, go ahead and copy and paste the following story. Then put the words you came up with in it in the correct places.. it's obvious, so don't fuss.

Then once you have done that.. and stop busting your gut laughing.. copy and paste the resulting story into the comments form below. Then we will bust our guts laughing.

And if you are Susan Higginbotham, thanks for being a good sport about this in advance!

The Story

A Mad LIb about Richard III

Richard was a _adverb_ misunderstood figure in English history. He was a good king but those that followed him made sure history remembered him as a _adjective 1_ one. They claimed that he had a deformed _body part_, that he forced _famous woman_ to marry him against her will, and that he murdered the little princes in the _building_.

When his _adjecttive 2_ brother Edward was King, Richard was the Duke of _place name_. His symbol was a white _animal 1_. They had another brother, _man's first name_ who was the Duke of Clarence. He was a troublemaker. When he was finally imprisoned, Richard is said to have drowned him in a butt of _liquid_. This is probably a lie that _author_ put in his play _famous play_.

Richard III is shown holding a _plant_ in the famous portrait that hangs in the national Portrait gallery. When Henry Tudor crossed from _place_ to seize the throne, Richard led his own army against him He is said to have cried "A _animal 2_, a _animal 2_, my kingdom for a _animal 2_!"

Susan Higginbotham, whose real job is as a _occupation_ , is writing a novel about all this. Her other novels are "The _type of person_'s Wife" and "Hugh and Bess: A _emotion_ Story". Susan is such a _adjective 3_ writer.

I am sure you noticed my mistake in the story...

Susan Higginbotham supplied some words so I could offer one result for you before you start supplyiung yours for the rest of us.

The Story

A Mad LIb about Richard III

Richard was a quickly misunderstood figure in English history. He was a good king but those that followed him made sure history remembered him as a lovely one. They claimed that he had a deformed elbow, that he forced Sarah Palin_ to marry him against her will, and that he murdered the little princes in the Empire State Building.

When his bold brother Edward was King, Richard was the Duke of Apex, North Carolina. His symbol was a white cairn terrier. They had another brother, Richard, who was the Duke of Clarence. He was a troublemaker. When he was finally imprisoned, Richard is said to have drowned him in a butt of Coca Cola.This is probably a lie that Jane Austen put in his play "Hamlet".

Richard III is shown holding a lavender in the famous portrait that hangs in the National Portrait gallery. When Henry Tudor crossed from the library to seize the throne, Richard led his own army against him He is said to have cried "A Siamese cat, , a Siamese cat, my kingdom for a Siamese cat!"

Susan Higginbotham, whose real job is as a ratcatcher , is writing a novel about all this. Her other novels are "The Grouch's Wife" and "Hugh and Bess: An Outrage Story". Susan is such a garish writer.

Want more??? Then make up your own story.. I'll print it!

Have fun!  And while you are at it, share your resulting story in a comment!

Originally posted 11/7/08.