A Humorous History of England

Excerpts from A Humorous History of England

Browsing Project Gutenberg can be like an Easter egg hunt.. or maybe since it's Halloween, I should say trick or treat.  No, stick with eggs.  You will find treasures there you did not even know exist, and what's more, you can reprint from them to your little heart's content.

The book, which starts with a full page advertisement for iron geloid pills for anemia, cost thruppence in 1920 when it was published.  It is all verse and was written and illustrated by a C. Harrison.

I would on occasion like to share some of these gems with you.  Swallow your Coca Cola now, to avoid spit takes.

WARS OF THE ROSES

Henry VI

Henry Six, next in our rhymes,

For fifty years had troublous times;

Wars of Roses, Wars with France,

The poor man never had a chance.

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc the peasant Maid

Inspired the French with Mystic aid;

Disunited, we make peace,

All France but Calais we release.

Edward IV

In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one

The House of York obtains the Throne.

He wins at Towton's bloody fray,

No quarter given on that day.

Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays

Was always turning different ways;

Barnet

On Barnet Field he met his doom

The Rose of York's now well abloom.

The Barons, Church and Commons fall,

The King emerges Boss of all.

Benevolences he exacts,

An early form of Super Tax.

Earl of Warwick

'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled

With his manner scarcely mild

He set Kings up and bowled them down

Playing at ninepins with the Crown.

Wars of Roses

White and Red Rose warring madly

Bled the country very sadly,

Three-and-thirty years contending;

At Bosworth Field we see the ending.

Richard III

Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour

Smothered his nephews in the Tower,

He murdered them the Crown to gain;

A heavy price for three years' reign.

The Scutcheon's blotted terribly

Of this King Richard number Three,

For it seems his recreation

Was ordering decapitation.

1485

On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed

He made a bid th'uncommonest

'My kingdom for a horse' he cried;

No offers coming, there he died.

A Few Things That Probably Should Be Criminalized

1. It should be against the law to teach an eight year old boy to whistle.
2. You should be able to call Animal Control if your neighbors' three year old is allowed to stand outside and bark like a puppy for over an hour.
3. It should be a misdemeanor to call anything but real in fact black licorice "licorice".  There is no such thing  as "red licorice".
4. Bosses who cancel an employee's vacation must by law be there at work the same whole time.
5. It should be litigable when a critic complains about tiny irrelevant anachronisms that are not anachronistic after all.
6. BBQ restaurants should be required to provide a fire hose for rinsing off after eating.
7. Places you went when you were young and have fond memories of should be required to remain exactly the same as you remember.
8. There should be a reformatory institution for ignorant people.
9. Habitually mispronouncing the same word should be considered "creating a public nuisance"and subject to arrest and/or fines.
10. Add your ideas in Comments.

Burning Issues in Historical Fiction: Historical Accuracy

Historical accuracy in a novel.. where should one draw the line between the extremes of detail,  "sloppy" to "intrusive"?  Is there a point where storytelling is more important, or is it the responsibility of the author to present the past exactly as its denizens would have known it?

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