Much to Think About

An email from Lori L. Lake:

Kit - Luca and I have talked a lot about gender and sexuality lately. (And we’re watching TRANSPARENT – have you seen that?) I read this email of yours below to her, and we’ve been puzzling and pondering. Neither of us likes the kind of female culture you describe: giggly, manipulative, selfish, passive-aggressive, whiny, male-approval-driven, skinny bitch mean girls. Neither one of us likes the macho, knuckle-dragging, thoughtless, beer-swilling, mean-spirited, selfish, entitled aficionados of the rape culture either.

But in our world, those sorts of people don’t really exist – I mean, they’re just not welcomed in. I have an amazing group of lesbian friends – my butch “brothers,” I would call a lot of them. We like sports and cars and building things and learning stuff generally considered part of the male realm – and we like cooking and crafts and writing and talking about feelings – and we like laughing and seeing movies and discussing politics and gender and queer rights – and we talk about sexuality and sex and all kinds of personal stuff. I also have lesbian “sisters” who range from high-femme to generally femme, and we do things together or talk about a lot of the same stuff except what’s considered more in the male realm (football or soccer or car repair) and I try mightily not to get trapped into talking about “Say Yes to the Dress” and makeup and which stilettos are more comfy. <major eye rolling here>

In other words, the lesbian culture that I embrace and that my friends are part of is definitely a female culture, but it’s like nothing that heterosexual, male-oriented, suburban soccer moms would find comfortable. Everyone exists on a spectrum for every aspect of their personality, practices, dress code, etc. It’s not how people look or even what they know or do – it’s who they ARE that matters. What are their values? How do they treat other people? What level of intelligence do they operate with? Are they kind???

With the way men are raised (and often by women who inculcate them with the WORST attitudes and behaviors!), I wouldn’t want to be a man in this day and age. And yet, I feel a real affinity toward many men who have been in my life: coaches, teachers, neighbors, powerlifting peers, family members, etc. I was “one of the guys” when I was a powerlifter. After living through the sexism of the 60s, 70s, and into the 80s, by the time I was in my late 30s/early 40s, men and boys had changed a lot. The anti-woman, sexist, anti-girls-in-sports men had either softened their hardline stances or gone away, and the younger men and even my contemporaries had a different attitude. From age 39-42, I was coached by a 27-year-old sweetheart of a guy, Troy, who helped me break all the Minnesota women’s powerlifting masters records. During the same time, I coached and trained with a 22-yr-old kid, Nick, who completely accepted my knowledge and expertise and bragged about my good coaching. Wow---what a change from my teens and 20s! Pretty much every guy at the gym was supportive to me in my quest to be strong and break records, and some of them spotted for me or I for them, and we all talked a lot about lifting, sharing ideas and techniques. It was a great experience. I’m still crushed that I herniated a disk and could no longer lift. I miss those guys to this day.

But I could find more of them in other realms. For every asshole (like the one who relentlessly sexually harassed my ex and me at a Twins baseball game), there are several other men willing to act like human beings and be respectful to women. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that!

Same goes for women. There are a lot of them whose behavior I just don’t like, and I avoid them. But I have a lot of straight women in my life – and so does Luca, who also has a lot of straight men in her life.

And as far as Luca and I go, we both have all kinds of male and female energy, and we just put it to good use. Luca LOOKS femmier than me, but I can honestly say, she has a LOT of male energy. I may look more butch, but I’m actually more tender-hearted and easily wounded. We’re both a giant amalgam of disparate aspects and variety and it’s all good.

Now that you are transitioning as you are, you might need some new people to add to your Community – people who will accept and understand and cherish you. And encourage you to grow and change and explore. The Universe has a way of sending people like that into your world if you’re open to it (Hello, Lori! <g>). Keep your eyes open for more.

;-)  Lori