Tuesday, October 4, 2016

RAINBOW OVER THE WHITE HOUSE

By Christopher Hawthorne Moss, Author of WHERE MY LOVE LIES DREAMING, BELOVED PILGRIM, and ANGEL EYES

The State of Pennsylvania has brought more than just the vibrant and compelling characters of the “romance with a touch of suspense” found in Vicki Reese’s gay fiction. Although the state never recognized civil unions or domestic partnerships, same-sex marriage has been legally recognized in Pennsylvania since May 20, 2014, when a US federal district court judge ruled that the Commonwealth's 1996 statutory ban on recognizing same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. The state had prohibited recognition of same-sex marriage by statute since 1996. It had never added such a ban to its state constitution. Perhaps in the hearts of many Pennsylvanians was the image of one of its most famous sons, President James Buchanan?

Scholars like James W. Loewen, author of LIES MY TEACHER TAUGHT ME and LIES ACROSS AMERICA, have put forth the case that Pennsylvania native son and the fifteenth president of the United States of America was gay and lived much of his adult life in Washington DC with another lifelong bachelor, Sen. William Rufus King of Alabama. For much of this time they lived together in a house on F Street and spent summers together in Rock Creek Park. Their relationship and the socializing they did à deux was publicly enough recognized that King was called “Mrs. Buchanan.” Though Buchanan had his niece Harriet Vane burn all his personal correspondence, enough has been found that hints broadly at the partnership.

While King was well regarded as President Pro Tem of the U.S. Senate and was also a diplomat in France, and was Vice President for two weeks as he was dying of tuberculosis, Buchanan was not only a diplomat to Imperial Russia and later Secretary of State under President James K. Polk.

Many attempts have been made to cloak the romantic liaison between Buchanan and King, such as a huge portrait of the long dead fiancée of Buchanan’s who broke off their engagement because he was not very involved. Her father refused to allow the husband-to-be to attend the young woman’s funeral. Though in a later letter Buchanan expressed a thought that some old spinster might not mind marrying a man without “any very ardent or romantic affection.”

It seems ironic and sad that America’s first gay president might have hailed from a state only recently begun to embrace its same-sex partners.

You can read a short story I wrote about Buchannan and King below.  It also is posted at:

Ghost in the White House (https://wildeoats.wordpress.com/ghost-in-the-white-house/)


Ghost in the White House

By Christopher Moss

“Do you, James Buchanan, solemnly swear that you will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of your ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States?”  Chief Justice Roger Taney spoke out clearly so not only the crowded East Portico of the Capitol could hear him but large and distinguished crowd on the ground below.

James Buchanan suppressed a roiling gut as he pronounced, as loud and clear ass the dysentery that plagued him would allow.  “I do.”    He heard the first notes of a military band playing “Hail to the Chief”, hiding a grimace that came more from his habitual reserve than his belly.  He thought to himself, “Well, Rufus, here I am.  Like it or not.”  He thought he could hear a rueful chuckle, so well remembered, so long missed.

Buchanan gritted his teeth and began the rounds of shaking hands, making no effort to press through the people who reached out their hands like baby birds squawking for what their mother brought them to eat.  He concentrated on breathing deeply and slowly.  He caught sight of Franklin Pierce’s sallow visage.  The now former President had gotten sick at the National Hotel as did everyone in the inauguration party.  Bad water, it was said.

Just before Buchanan had given his inaugural address, one in which he counseled calm, honesty and fairness and announced he would not seek a second term, Taney had come to him, pressing his shoulder against Buchanan’s and whispered in his ear, “We’re going with Sanford.  Seven to two against Dredd Scott.”   Taney frowned at Buchanan’s sour look.  “I thought you would be pleased that we held for the Constitution.”

With a shake of his head, Buchanan, who had overwhelmingly captured the popular vote, explained, “Oh I do.  I just don’t feel at all well.”  The truth was that he was unsure how he felt about the court’s decision that Africans brought to these shores as slaves had no standing in its eyes.    It would take a Constitutional amendment to change that.  In the meantime, it was a matter of constitutional law, and Buchanan was a strict Constitutionalist.

Rufus would nod with a supercilious air, “I told y’all so, Jamie.  Now just stop fussing and get back to the business of government.”

But then Rufus was a slaveholder himself.  During their fifteen year relationship, officially as housemates but in reality far more intimate, Senator William Rufus King had belabored the point seemingly endlessly.   Desirous of peace and calm above everything else, especially at home, James learned early on that his best bet was smiling acquiescence.  If he didn’t want to find Rufus’s bedroom door locked from the inside, that is.  The Southerner, Rufus, was generally a moderate on these divisive issues, but he also ruled the roost, and everyone, even those who did not grasp the nature of his and James’ friendship, knew that.  “Mr. and Mrs. King”, they were called by Old Hickory and his cronies.

Now, four years since Rufus’ death and more from their parting, James remembered how lost he had felt without that particular rooster.

Stepping up into the brougham and seating himself next to Pierce, James Buchanan groaned.    “I can’t face a big supper.  Do you think they would let me slip out and get some rest?”

“What are they going to do, impeach you?” the likewise queasy Pierce said.  “Janie and I are going home.”

Pierce’s wife, sitting on his opposite side, put a hand on her husband’s arm and spoke past him,   “James, you should just tell them what you want.  Perhaps you can make the ball later, if you get a chance to sit back and read a newspaper or something.  Let Harriet look after you for a few hours?”

James thought about his niece.  Harriet Lane was in her element.  Always frustrated by the social scene back home in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, she was about to be the central figure of Washington parties, teas, and suppers.  He might be President now, but he was an old man, dowdy, quiet, entirely uninteresting.  “No, she’s got her hands full with preparations for the ball and such like.”

The footman offered a gloved hand to the president as he stepped out of the carriage in front of the White House.  His dark skinned face showed no emotion, no reproach, no approval, but just the same deference to which Buchanan had grown accustomed.

“Thank you, uh, what is your name?”

“Louis, Mr. President, sir,” the impeccably dressed servant responded.  “I believe are several visitors waiting for you inside, sir.”

“Damn,” Buchanan muttered irritably. ”Have someone show me to the residence, and you go tell them I’m resting.”

Louis nodded, signaled to another colored man, thankful someone else would have to plow a furrow among the attention seekers who would protest the new President’s retirement to his quarters.

The liveried servant led the new President to a large sitting room with elegantly upholstered divans and chairs.  “The bedroom and your dressing room are through there, sir.  May I assist you with anything?”

Buchanan looked about at the tastefully decorated sitting room.  “Uh, no, not for now.  Thank you.”  What he wanted was time to be alone, time to rest, and time to let his bellyache subside.

The servant bowed respectfully and pointed to a bell rope.  “If’n you need anything, Mr. President, sir, just pull on that.”  He bowed again and backed out of the room, shutting the door.

Buchanan stood for a while surveying the room’s appointments, then slowly turned and headed for the doorway to the bedroom.  It itself was large but somehow cozy.  He imagined it had something to do with the colors and fabrics.  “Rufus would know.  He always had good taste.”  He glanced at the canopied bed.  He thought to himself, “A man knows when he is getting old when he looks at a bed and thinks of sleep, not love making.  I suppose your illness made you old before your time, my dear.  I wasn’t with you then.  We had long since parted company, my Rufus.”

Buchanan sought the door to the dressing room, thinking to get out of his formal jacket and into a dressing gown.  He was impressed with the capacity of the room.  Along one wall were the doors of what looked to be wardrobes, and along the other at least two dozen drawers built into the wall.  A full length mirror covered the entire back wall.  He walked to the small dressing table that stood out from the mirror and grimaced into the face of the man who looked back at him.  “You look dreadful, Jamie,” he thought.

He also thought he heard a quiet murmur of assent.  It came from behind his left shoulder.  When he snapped his attention to that spot in the mirror’s reflection, he saw nothing.

The President went to the bank of drawers and one by one drew the top ones out just far enough to see what was contained in each.  An impulse caused him to lean down to the bottom drawer in the middle bank.  He pulled it out and reached in his hand.  Someone, a servant or his niece Harriet had taken responsibility for his personal things.  The thought that Harriet may have done it cause him to search in the drawer with some trepidation.  If Harriet had found the letters she may very well have done what she always threatened, to destroy them.  No, there they were.  They were in a bundle tied with a black ribbon.  Rufus’s letters from during their various times apart, when he was in London or Russia, or Rufus was in Paris.  Other times too.

James held the bundle in his hand and looked around to locate a chair.  There were three, again beautifully upholstered.  He went to the closest and sat.  He gazed at the letters, reached to pull one out, and set the rest on a small table.  He opened the letter and began to read.

“Jamie dear,” it began.  He brought the letter to his lips and kissed where the endearment was an inscribed.

“You would adore Paris, Jamie.  It is so full of life.  During the daytime, of course, you would not believe how such magnificent buildings could be so dull and dreadful.  But at night there are the concerts and balls and restaurants.  Those last are a revelation, Jamie.  Paris is a far cry from what we are used to.  I hear London is no better than America, but in Paris men may congregate together in cafes, and you see them walking out together with locked arms and no doubt of an assignation.  I must admit to feeling both cheated and relieved it is not so back at home.  Too much temptation.  But fear not, my love.  I am ever faithful.  Are you?”

 

Buchanan smiled at his lover’s words: “so full of life. “  That had been what drew him to the Southerner when they were first senators.  He himself was a staid, boring, homebody.  Rufus King was something of a dandy.  He was very good looking, well dressed, cultured, but with a wicked streak.  Inevitably it was he who made the first move to being more than mere colleagues.  James would never have had the courage.  The “twiddle-did less*” as Rufus would say to shock him.

Rufus lingered after he, James and a few others new to the Senate had met for drinks at the National Hotel.  Perhaps James had known what he was after, because he allowed himself to stay until only he and the Southerner were left in the suite.  He had feigned drunkenness to give Rufus the entree, and he had taken it, asking James to help him put on his frock coat, then leaning into him when his hands were on Rufus’s shoulders.  James froze, then felt Rufus slowly rotate so they faced each other with no room between them.  The look Rufus  had given him that invited intimacy.  A kiss, and so much more.  They spent the night at the hotel, a fact that James had thought about as he stayed in the hotel the last two nights prior to the inauguration.

The President sighed deeply, then carefully put the letter away in the bundle, slipping it into the middle.  He gazed at the stack and wondered if it was safe or if he needed to find another place to keep it.  Harriet had found them a couple years back and threatened to burn them.  He tried to explain them away as a typical florid Southerner’s words, completely innocent, but she did not believe him.  He put the letters back where he found them, determining to find another hiding place for them soon.

For now he was tired, lonely and sick.  He divested himself of his coat, found a dressing gown and donned it, and went back to the sitting room and let himself doze off in a sitting position.

Some servant or perhaps the military guards made sure the President was left alone.  No knock, not even a voice disturbed his nap which he took sitting in a chair in his private sitting room.  He was exhausted, rather dehydrated from the effects of the disease, and he slept hard, dreamless.

Harriet finally breached the human fortifications.  “Uncle James!  Where have you been?  Everyone has been asking for you.    The President of the Senate, the Cabinet members, even the wife of the Ambassador from the Court of St. James!”

Buchanan awoke with a snort.  “What?  What is that?  Oh, yes, of course.  What time is it?  Will you hand me my coat, Rufus?”

He looked into his niece’s disapproving face.  “Uncle James, it’s Harriet.  That Senator King… he’s dead.  You aren’t losing your memory, are you?”

He did not hide his disappointment.  “I remember,” he said dispiritedly.  “All too well.”

“You have to get ready for the ball.  It’s almost nine o’clock.  I was beginning to think you did not want to attend your own inaugural ball.”  She shook her head at the speculative shrug her uncle gave.  “I’ll send your man in.”  With one last frown, Harriet turned in her wide hooped skirt and somehow made it through the door.  He heard her voice as she spoke to a servant, who came in as she went away, fetched to get him ready for the Presidential Ball.

Buchanan finally made his entrance about eleven o’clock.  No one appeared to have missed him all that much, though the lead musician apparently had had an eye out because the small string quintet struck up a spirited “Hail to the Chief”.  The room where the festivities took place was large, the brightness of dozens of candles dimmed by the smoke they gave off.    The chatter was deafening.  The President, already not feeling well, knew the evening would end with a terrible headache and worse.  For a moment he regretted running for office.

“Uncle James!”  Harriet bustled over to him as he entered, a look of castigation and relief simultaneous on her face.  He  noticed she had a sort of wake, a collection of young and middle aged men who seemed drawn along behind her.

He kissed his niece’s cheek and murmured, “I see you have made your mark already.”

She tapped his chest with her fan.  “Now, Uncle… I hope you at least plan to grace us with your presence for the rest of the evening.”

“I will try.  I truly am not well, my dear.”

She frowned prettily, though she was not a pretty woman.  What she was was ambitious, someone who would change the image of the First Lady from now on.  “Well, come along, then.  No time to waste.  You must shake hands with all the important people here.”

She was not flattered when he took her hand, kissed it, and said, “You are the most important person here, at least to me.”

The string quintet playing some of the well-loved pieces from the last century, as well as some newer sensations: Offenbach, Verdi, even Bizet.  Nothing popular.  This was a solemn occasion.  If Rufus was here… well perhaps they would have some more lighthearted tunes, like Foster’s Gentle Annie.   Though, maybe not.  Everyone seemed to think that James would become maudlin if that piece was played, that it would remind him of his dear departed fiancée, Anne.  Enough people seemed to  entertain the belief that his lifelong bachelorhood  was the result of grief at losing her.  He did little to dissuade them.  But he did like the song.

The President made the rounds of the dignitaries and their wives and daughters as long as he could hold out.  He did not need to worry about maiden aunts and ingénues being pushed at him, not as he had when he first came to Congress at 30.  He was an old man now.  And he was no prize catch, not wealthy to speak of, and enough people had more than inkling what Rufus and he had been to each other.

He was startled when he was introduced to a striking young man who was in the uniform of the Russian Czar’s military.  The face was identical to Nikolai’s .  The explanation came with the young man’s name, “Nikolai Nikolayevich Brilev”.  Buchanan realized that he must be Nikolai’s son.  Nikolai, who had made his time as a diplomat in Imperial Russia so passionate.  Nikolai who had invited him to his lavish estates and seduced him with caviar and kisses sweeter than wine.  He managed to regain his composure.  The boy would have had no idea of his father’s relationship with the American.  With a bittersweet smile he remembered that he had never told Rufus either.  That was his one indiscretion, his one moment of infidelity.  He never regretted it.  He was perfectly aware that, in spite of protestations to the contrary, Rufus had never lacked for bedmates on his travels.  After all, Jamie was one person who understood how irresistible his lover was.  Again, the light chuckle, only now with an appreciative note to it.

The ball was still well underway when the President managed to slip out.  He hurried away knowing that if she caught him leaving, Harriet would come after him.  He thought he would fall asleep the moment his head touched the pillows in that big canopied bed.  He hoped he would dream, dream not of Nikolai but of Rufus, the love of his life.

But instead he lay on  his accustomed side of the bed, this time in the Presidential quarters of the White House exhausted but far too keyed up to sleep.  He had heard the clock chime the three o’clock hour, knowing that morning was both too long and too short a time for his weary mind and body.  He congratulated himself on his promise, in his inauguration speech, not to run for a second term.  He did not think he could take another day like the past one.

“Ah, Rufus,” Buchanan sighed aloud.  He patted the counterpane next to him.  “I don’t imagine they would have let us share this bed.  But I still miss you and wish you were here.”

As he lay on his back with his hands folded prayerfully on his chest he thought he felt the edge of the bed sink under some pressure.

“But Jamie, I am here.”

James stiffened.  He dared not turn his head toward the familiar drawl.  “Rufus?” he croaked.

“Yes, it is I.  You do not think I should leave you alone this night of all nights, do you?”

James slowly turned his head to find the elegant figure of William Rufus King sitting smiling on the side of the bed.  “Rufus, you look so… young.  And well.”

Rufus preened.  “It’s the one good thing about being dead.  You get to be whatever age you want to be.  I cannot imagine why anyone would want to be old.  I am happy to be the handsome young gentleman I once was.”

“Then it is true, you are dead?”  James’s clear eyes were as round as pennies.

The apparition cocked his head to one side.  “You know I died, Jamie.  I’ve been gone these past three years and more.  How could you not know?”

James sat up, noting that the coverlet shifted under Rufus without the apparition being disturbed.  “No, I know you had died.  I meant what I am seeing now is your… ghost?  Do you haunt the White House?”

Rufus King chuckled.  “Not the house, just you, Jamie.  And just for tonight.  I made a bargain that I should get one last on Earth to wish you well on your Inauguration day.  And to warn you.”

The gathering pleasure in the president’s face faded.  “Warn me?  What about?”

Spectral shoulders rose and fell in a deep sigh.  “Jamie, dear, hard times are coming.  I am glad that you do not intend to run again.  The year you leave office as it is will be one of great strife and division.  I came to tell you… there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

“But… but I have worked for peace and compromise all my life…”

Rufus shook his head.  “Always so sure you can smooth it all over.  You believe in compromise .”

James Buchanan frowned.  “Not compromise.  The vox populi. The rule of law.”

The pale hand that rested on one of James’ was more than feather light.  He could not feel the touch at all.  “Jamie, dearest, you know we broke the law just by being together.  Both the law of the people and of God.  Though as it turns out, there is no Hell.  No Heaven.  Just…” He made an indeterminate gesture with his hand.”

Buchanan averted his eyes and would not look back.  “How can you say that, Rufus?  I loved you.  I love you.”

“And I loved you, once.”

A wave of pain crossed the President’s face.  “Once?” he asked weakly.  When his lover did not answer, he went on, “Rufus, why did you leave me?”

The wry chuckle he heard hurt his pride.  “I was sick, Jamie.  You know that.”

Looking down James said quietly, “But I would have cared for you…”

The hurtful chuckle came again.  “No you would not have.  Remember that letter you sent to that woman friend of yours when I was envoy to France?  How you were so alone and how you should look for some old woman to care for you when you were ill and make you fine suppers when you were well?  You always wanted me to take care of you.  Not the other way around.”  Rufus gazed at James’ averted face.  “And you told her you went wooing.  Wooing gentleman.”

James’ face flashed around indignantly.  “I meant wooing them to come and share my rooms, my house.”

Rufus King’s shade stood and seemed both to walk and float about the large bedchamber.  “Our rooms, Jamie.  Our house.”

After a pause, the man in the big bed said ruefully, “Well, I failed.  No one accepted my invitation.  But you left me anyway.”

“Now, Jamie, do not be so dramatic.  I stayed with you for several more years.”  The ghostly face seemed larger than it should have from where it floated atop the body that stood at the foot of the bed.

“Why?  Why did you leave?  We had such wonderful years together.  You were so handsome, so dashing, like you are now.  Oh won’t you come and get in bed with me?  I have missed you so.”

The figure vanished, but before James could cry out with dismay, it appeared again sitting close to him on the near side of the bed.  “I cannot.  It is not permitted.  If I really touched y’all, I would spend more time between the veils to work it off.”  He saw the disappointment in Buchanan’s face.  He reached to stroke his cheek but there was no touch.  He made a soft clucking sound with his tongue and teeth.  “There, there, I am sorry, my love.  Yes, we were happy.  So happy we could hardly hide what we meant to each other.  Even when Old Hickory made sport of us.  Do you remember?”

“Do I?  He called us ‘Mr. and Mrs. King.’  He called you worse names.  Aunt Fancy and Uncle Nancy.  Why was he so cruel to us?”

The joking grin on the spirit’s face made James’ heart ache.  It had been so long since he saw that sparkle in Rufus’ eye.  When they were young and could not get enough of each other.  “He was not being cruel.  He was just… well… Old Hickory.  The man who put a big cheese in the White house and invited anyone in to slice off a piece and jaw all he wanted.”

“He was quite a character, was Mr. Jackson.”

Rufus nodded.  “But decisive.  Not like you, my dearest.  Y’all never would take a stand on anything replete with conflict.  Like the slave state question.”

Buchanan sulked.  “You know I am a pragmatic man.  It would not matter how I felt about slavery.  It’s not going away.  If it did this great nation would collapse.  Half the country depends on it to keep a hearty economy.  It would be disaster if the slaves were freed.”

Rufus’s face softened.  “Yes, it will be.  You won’t be able to stop the dissolution.”

“What do you mean?”

The ghost looked uncomfortable.  “What I came to tell you, Jamie, is that sometimes trying to calm people down is the worst thing you can do.  Like stepping between two drunken, angry teamsters.  All you accomplish is a big black eye for yourself.”

James leaned forward and tried to put his hand on King’s arm, but snatched it back when his hand went through it.  “But I am talking about the good of a nation.  Not a mere brawl.”

Laughing that knowing laugh again, Rufus joked, “’Mere’ it won’t be.  It will be a mighty, magnificent brawl.”

The President glared at the phantom in his bedchamber.  “Riddles?  Is that all you have?”

“You wouldn’t listen if I listed every cause and effect from here until 1865.  So why should I speak plainly?  That’s why I left, Jamie.  I was tired of your always making peace.  I wanted you to see the world as it is.  Not as you want it to be.”

James seemed to diminish within his own skin.  “That was what Anne said.”

“Anne?  Your betrothed?  The one who took her own life?”

James crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive manner.  “No one knows whether she took that laudanum on purpose.  She was prone to migraines, you know.”

Sitting back, crossing one leg over the other and holding onto the upper knee with his clasped hands, Rufus king grinned wickedly.  “You know, I never could get you to confess why she did it.  Why her family would not let you come to her funeral.  Now that I am dead, I know the whole story.”

“How?  How could you know?”  James face was pale.

“Hunnicut,” the spirit said significantly.

Hands over his face, Buchanan moaned, “When did you talk to Hunnicut?”

“There is no when after death.  It could have been yesterday, or it could have been two years ago.  He’s dead, you know.  Just like I am.”

“Hunnicut is dead?  How?”  A wistful tone underlay the president’s questions.

A sour smile appeared on the spectral lips.  “So he was right.  You never quite got over him, did you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.  That was … years and years ago.  In college.”

The ghost drew himself up and began to pace again, the natural grace even for the dapper William Rufus King making the new president nauseous.  “Yes, college.  Your illustrious career at Dickinson.  Hunnicut told me how the two of you would go away for days and sleep through your classes when you came back.  He was finally expelled, but somehow you managed to talk them out of it.  You got away with what Hunnicut, your passionate flame, did not.”  He chuckled again.  “Oh and you asked how he died.  Ruffians beat him to death when he was in England.  That was about the time you were there too.  When you were the envoy to the Court of St. James.”

“He was there then?”  James’ voice was hushed.

“Now he is here.  Anne is here too you know.  In the afterlife.  She and Hunnicut made it up between them long ago.  You know why she killed herself…” he led.

Buchanan put his hands over his ears.  “No, I don’t, and I don’t want to.”

“Hunnicut said she took seeing you two together very badly.  Most tragic.  She shakes her head about it now.  What a huge step for what was after all just a kiss and a grope.”

They remained in silence for several minutes, Rufus hovering at the end of the bed and James looking miserably down at his hands, loosely clasped together.

“They called us Siamese twins, you know,” James finally said.

“Well, we were.  Someday historians will gloss over what that means now, that we were a couple, a couple of sodomites.”

James’ gaze was distant.  “And what else will these historians say of us.  Of me?”

Rufus sat on the side of the bed again, having not moved but simply changed his place.  “You do not want to know.”

“No, please, tell me.  I need to know!”

The apparition seemed to weigh its options.  “Well, my dearest, it is not all bad.  In fact you will be mostly forgotten.  The man who will follow you in office will be the most celebrated president of all.  A socialist, as it happens, though he will mostly be remembered for freeing the slaves and for being shot and killed by a bad actor.”

“Who?  Stephen Douglas?  Breckinridge?”

Rufus waved a hand airily.  You will be one of the least known presidents.  All that compromising, all that getting along.  In better times you may have been revered for your common sense and moderation.  In some time though the only thing that will interest anyone about you is whether you and I shared a bed as well as a house.”

James Buchanan’s face drained of color.  “No.  It can’t be.”  He let himself lie back.  He put his arms over his eyes.  “No, please, don’t say that.”

“Poor Jamie.  Born too early or too late.  Victim of other men’s greatness.  Some day reduced to a cartoon.  And what of me?  Why, in a brilliant irony, one day a county out in Oregon Territory named after me will be renamed for some nigger preacher.  How’s that for justice?”

“But I made sure it was named for you.  A sort of gift.”

“That was sweet.  Thank you anyway.”

But Rufus’s voice had started to fade.  When James uncovered his eyes the figure on the side of the bed was almost invisible.  “Don’t go, Rufus.  All we have done is quarrel.  Give me another chance.”

“That’s why I really left, you know.  You had your head very thoroughly shoved up your own behind.  You didn’t argue.  Y’all just went silent.  You were so absent you didn’t even realize I was so ill   And then at the last you deserted me.  I may have left, but you failed to come when I was dying.  Nevertheless I forgive you.  And it shan’t be long before we see each other again.  It will be a crowded afterlife then, with thousands upon thousands of young souls lining up to pass through the veil.”

“Y-you forgive me?”

Buchanan did not receive any word of comfort, a lump forming in his throat as the figure of his lost love faded from view.  “Oh, Rufus, you are wrong.  I will hold this country together.”

Was it a lack of conviction or simple drowsiness that robbed the statement of force?

Just as he started at last to fall asleep, he felt it.  The light touch of lips on his forehead.




Monday, October 3, 2016

My life as an author

I am an author. I have been writing since I was about seven years old. I wrote a few short stories and then got into writing this story that came to be known as An Involuntary King. Along with various other writings, I became published in 1991. That was when I wrote Loving the Goddess Within, which was published by Delphi Press. Many years later in 2008 I wrote, using ghost letters, An Involuntary King, a tale of Anglo-Saxon England. Soon after that I wrote the first version of Beloved Pilgrim. That version had a lesbian main character. Thereafter I became transgender, and after publishing Where My Love Lies Dreaming I decided it was high time I wrote Beloved Pilgrim as a transgender character novel. I wrote short stories for two anthologies, and finally I wrote A Fine Bromance for Harmony Ink Press.

Now to go on with the rest of the story. I was born with fundus flavimaculatas, a hereditary and congenital eye condition that causes one's central vision to deteriorate; that is my rods and cones do not work or even fully exist. I didn't know this until I was 25. In high school I started noticing problems with seeing what was written on the board. My father did not pay for us to go get glasses. It was when I was 25 years old and living in Iron Mountain, Michigan, that I went to an eye doctor and found out that I had a severe and permanent eye condition that he called Stargardt disease, a form of macular degeneration. I was told that my eyesight would continue to fail until I got to the point that I had simply overall poor vision. The last I checked my eyesight was 20 over 2400. Since that time I had a stroke when I was 60 years old, and part of the impact is that I now also have he me anoxia. That means that the vision being taken in by half my rods and cones is not making it through my optic nerve.

Since I learned at 25 that I am legally blind I have gained a number of devices that help me immeasurably. The department of services for the blind supplied me with a computer and magnifying and speaking software. I have some other devices, including a pebble that I don't use that often, and the da Vinci which reads aloud anything you put under it.

Now clearly since I have four or more novels I must've figured out how to use all these devices to their best advantage. The fact is, however, that since the he me anoxia began my eyesight has taken a turn very much for the worst. Every day I sit at my desk and use my adaptive equipment on my computer to write. The trouble is that now, and this has been going on for at least 6 to 12 months, I don't seem to be especially well served. I have added Dragon to my suite of helpers, trying to learn to dictate rather than to touch-type my manuscripts. At this point that is proving only mildly helpful.

What I want to do right now is describe the experience I have when I sit down to write. I come into my office and sit down and turn on the computer. When the adaptive software, ZoomText, opens I used to be able to get to work right away. Now since I can't see the screen very well, I don't really see the screen enough to read. For instance, I am looking at the previous paragraph that began "Now clearly," and I cannot read those words at all. In fact I just guessed that the first two words for the ones I said. If I notice and underline or other indication of poor spelling, I can't see what it says. If I have to read something that I listen to on my Kindle, I have to open Kindle for PC but I can't really read the print on the screen. It's patchy. This gets me very frustrated. Even if I can sit like I'm doing now and narrate what I want to say, I am not 100 percent sure that what I said made it onto the screen. Perhaps you as the reader can guess from any non sequiturs in what I'm writing.

The way I read what I've typed or spoken is I highlight the text, and then press Control-Alt-X to save it to the clipboard, then Control-Alt-C to make my computer read it aloud.  It takes less time than it sounds except that it is clearly more steps than a sighted person would need to take.

In addition I don't seem to have the technique I referred to as "christen mind." I am not even sure this sentence made any sense at all. I used to be able to imagine sequences from books I was writing that helped construct the narrative that doesn't seem as easy for me now, although that may just be that I am not wrapped up in any particular story. I have been trying to write during 2016, but a combination of my decreased vision and whatever is going on with my stroke-addled brain seems to leave me feeling unfocused. That is an unfortunate but accurate use of that word.

I am very frustrated. I am trying to convince myself that if I focus on work I will be able to sit down every day and write for at least three to four hours. I honestly don't know what it will take to get me to do it. I am distracted by e-mail, by Facebook, and buying games. I recently cut out some of my work, specifically writing book reviews, to force myself into filling the time with actual writing. Just now I suspect all I'm doing is keeping myself writing so I stay in the habit. I don't know if that will work. During the days I as often as not feel like taking a nap.

So what do I do? Is there anyone I could talk to or get help from? I am having a very frustrating time figuring out who that would be. I know that the organization I used to work for, Sight Connection, seems to be falling apart. I honestly don't think that they have anything at all to share with me. I thought about attending Department of Services for the Blind, but I am not sure they know what they're doing either. Given that I am nearly 65 years old, I doubt they would take me on as a client anyway. Their clients are there to be given skills so that they can get jobs. I don't know that they would take my having a job, being a novelist, very seriously, and I don't know if they'd have any clue what to do to help me.

I don't feel like I am at the end of my career. I know that I have the ideas for a number of novels in my head. I know that to be a viable novelist I have to write a lot more novels. It amazes me when I realize how many novels other people do while I am barely turning out one a year.

I know that Jim is frustrated with my progress. He is not critical of me per se, when he does try to give me advice, and I feel at a loss to be able to really take the advice. When I sit in front of the computer it just seems like I can't do what I used to be able to do. There must be some sort of solution, right? I can keep trying to explore it, but I don't even know where to look. My stroke-addled brain prevents me from really thinking it through properly. I don't know if I talk to anyone at rehab or to a doctor if I would get any help at all.

I sometimes think I should just accept retirement. The problem is that I don't know what I do with my time. Right now I'm wasting it. Would I be wasting it as I was trying to write book? I know if I could just get novellas out, I might be fine.

As I always say, onward and upward. So the solution still eludes me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Some Old Photos

Click on image for larger picture.



Disneyland in the 1950;s







Pacific Ocean Park





Our  neighborhood on Third Ave.

coming soon






Griffith Park




Children's Orthopedic Center


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

April 15 Ain't Just for Taxes Anymore




Two years ago on April 15 2014 I had a terrible headache.  It was not like any other headache  I had ever had.  I was resting on the couch ad actually did go back o sleep.  When I got up to go to the bathroom the telephone rang.  I went to answer it, and that's the last thing I can remember.

Jim remembers it from there on.  I did not answer and he left a message.  When after about 15-30 minutes he called again and left another message.  When I did not call back he realized something must be wrong. Unlike most couples we are very close and are never disconnected from each other, so he told his boss Julie he had to come home to see what was wrong, and she just saint, "Go!"

He got home in record time, then looked around the living room.  He was about to go upstairs to find me when he noticed MacDhui was on the table and Mr. Hata on the floor by it, also looking in the same basic direction.  That is when  he saw me.  I was sitting against the wall on a Rubber Maid container.  He tried to communicate with me, but I was out of it.  He immediately called 911 and go t paramedics on the way.

Almost a month later I came home on May 26.  I had been in the hospital, Evergreen to be precise, for a month.

I had had a stroke, the hemorrhagic variety.  There was no certain reason for the stroke, my blood pressure had been high, but just the Friday before I had had it read and it was fine.  If I had to guess it would be that it was my being on testosterone for my gender transition that may have caused the stroke.  That is, after all, what the class action lawsuit has been about with men who want a return of their virility.

Jim told me that Mr. Duck was so enamored of the paramedics that Jim had to put him in the garage, and he was pissed!  The men asked me and Jim some questions.. I was starting to fall to sleep, but they kept me awake.  The checked my blood sugar and it was fine.  It wasn't until I was in the hospital and had an MRI they knew I had had a srke
.  As I said it was a hemorrhagic stoke and affected my caudate nucleus.  I had to have surgery to allow a stint to be put in to drain the brain fluid.

For Jim that began two weeks minimum of anguishing fear.  He had to watch me sedated and in bed, hooked up to oxygen and various other monitors. on paralytic drugs and not all that sure who I was, where I was ad who he was.  I told the paramedics at home that Jim's name was "Sheriff John", a TV personality from my earliest years in La Puente.

Jim spent the time I was unconscious mostly at the hospital.  He would go home long enough to feed cats and scoop their litter box and to d some laundry and sleep a little.  The rest of the time he was at the hospital with me.  They had me on the paralytic to keep me still and unconscious, unable to pull at my tubes or the ties to the hospital bed.    He would do what he could to help me... He rubbed ice into my scalp under the bandage because it itched s badly.

He told me he read to me while I was barely if at all conscious.  He read of all wonderful things AN INVOLUNTARY KING, my first novel.  ht must have been a precious knowledge for me, as it is my sentimental favorite, my earliest set of friends.

I don't know how he stayed sane or sober for that matter.  He didn't know if I was going to die.  He didn't know if when I finally woke up I would be able to speak or understand or reason at all.  I could have been at best incontinent and at worst a vegetable.

I apparently started to wake up once after two weeks they had moved me to the Ambulatory Rehab Unit, after I had spent the first two weeks in the ICU and a couple days at a midrange rehab nt.  I don't remember anything much before the next Friday.  That would have been  about May 2.  The next day Laurel came to see me and I met Tiffany for the first time.  She and I had a grand time discussing my dreams about Julian Assange and some notion I had that one of my nurses was named Marianne and was somehow connected to the French Revolution. 

I had two very memorable dreams while I was still pretty out of it, though conscious.  I dream I was on a merry-go-round in a park listening to Julian Assange, then a dream about wanting to go to a nearby clinic staffed at night by two of the nurses who looked after me.  One of them was Rasi.  I wanted him to let me stay at the clinic so I could seek more drugs, and he was going to have to fill out a lot of paperwork.  I remember I had peed on my night gown.

I will continue this narrative with Jim's help over the ext coupl of days.


 

Friday, September 11, 2015

The Latest News on Me

I just got this email from a delightful friend who lives in the Midwest of the USA.
"I haven't heard from you in a long time.
How is everything over there?
"Hugs Hugs
"Gabbo"

My reply should update everyone.

"How lovely that you want to hear from me!  I know I want to hear from you.
 "I don’t even remember when we last exchanged emails.  Do you?  I could launch into a narrative, but it would be nice if I knew where to start.  I am pretty sure you didn’t know I had to have spine surgery, but I am healing now and expect to be finer than I was before it in about a month.  ANGEL EYES, my novel about the Mexican War has been out for five months.. I have not done the marketing I should, so I need to do that this fall if I expect to sell any books.
 
"I was working on a sequel to WHERE MY LOVE LIES DREAMING but had to stop since my doctor only wants me to sit at the computer for a half hour at a time and then get up and change position.. I am using my new Amazon Echo to time me.  So I will very happily get back to that in about a month as well.
 
"I had a real low point about two weeks ago where I went to my husband to tell him I was feeling suicidal, but I know that was my smart way of getting myself back on track to the usually cheerful person I am. I think you and I are similar in that way.  I am just overwhelmed with all the challenges in my life due to disabilities but most of the time I don’t even think about them or find ways around them.  I am either stupid, crazy or really really smart.

"So how is your stupid, crazy or really really smart  life treating you?  What is new?  Did I not mention anything you might have wanted to know about?
 
"Kit"

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Much to Think About

An email from Lori L. Lake:

Kit - Luca and I have talked a lot about gender and sexuality lately. (And we’re watching TRANSPARENT – have you seen that?) I read this email of yours below to her, and we’ve been puzzling and pondering. Neither of us likes the kind of female culture you describe: giggly, manipulative, selfish, passive-aggressive, whiny, male-approval-driven, skinny bitch mean girls. Neither one of us likes the macho, knuckle-dragging, thoughtless, beer-swilling, mean-spirited, selfish, entitled aficionados of the rape culture either.

But in our world, those sorts of people don’t really exist – I mean, they’re just not welcomed in. I have an amazing group of lesbian friends – my butch “brothers,” I would call a lot of them. We like sports and cars and building things and learning stuff generally considered part of the male realm – and we like cooking and crafts and writing and talking about feelings – and we like laughing and seeing movies and discussing politics and gender and queer rights – and we talk about sexuality and sex and all kinds of personal stuff. I also have lesbian “sisters” who range from high-femme to generally femme, and we do things together or talk about a lot of the same stuff except what’s considered more in the male realm (football or soccer or car repair) and I try mightily not to get trapped into talking about “Say Yes to the Dress” and makeup and which stilettos are more comfy. <major eye rolling here>

In other words, the lesbian culture that I embrace and that my friends are part of is definitely a female culture, but it’s like nothing that heterosexual, male-oriented, suburban soccer moms would find comfortable. Everyone exists on a spectrum for every aspect of their personality, practices, dress code, etc. It’s not how people look or even what they know or do – it’s who they ARE that matters. What are their values? How do they treat other people? What level of intelligence do they operate with? Are they kind???

With the way men are raised (and often by women who inculcate them with the WORST attitudes and behaviors!), I wouldn’t want to be a man in this day and age. And yet, I feel a real affinity toward many men who have been in my life: coaches, teachers, neighbors, powerlifting peers, family members, etc. I was “one of the guys” when I was a powerlifter. After living through the sexism of the 60s, 70s, and into the 80s, by the time I was in my late 30s/early 40s, men and boys had changed a lot. The anti-woman, sexist, anti-girls-in-sports men had either softened their hardline stances or gone away, and the younger men and even my contemporaries had a different attitude. From age 39-42, I was coached by a 27-year-old sweetheart of a guy, Troy, who helped me break all the Minnesota women’s powerlifting masters records. During the same time, I coached and trained with a 22-yr-old kid, Nick, who completely accepted my knowledge and expertise and bragged about my good coaching. Wow---what a change from my teens and 20s! Pretty much every guy at the gym was supportive to me in my quest to be strong and break records, and some of them spotted for me or I for them, and we all talked a lot about lifting, sharing ideas and techniques. It was a great experience. I’m still crushed that I herniated a disk and could no longer lift. I miss those guys to this day.

But I could find more of them in other realms. For every asshole (like the one who relentlessly sexually harassed my ex and me at a Twins baseball game), there are several other men willing to act like human beings and be respectful to women. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that!

Same goes for women. There are a lot of them whose behavior I just don’t like, and I avoid them. But I have a lot of straight women in my life – and so does Luca, who also has a lot of straight men in her life.

And as far as Luca and I go, we both have all kinds of male and female energy, and we just put it to good use. Luca LOOKS femmier than me, but I can honestly say, she has a LOT of male energy. I may look more butch, but I’m actually more tender-hearted and easily wounded. We’re both a giant amalgam of disparate aspects and variety and it’s all good.

Now that you are transitioning as you are, you might need some new people to add to your Community – people who will accept and understand and cherish you. And encourage you to grow and change and explore. The Universe has a way of sending people like that into your world if you’re open to it (Hello, Lori! <g>). Keep your eyes open for more.

;-)  Lori

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I Go to School: Autobiogrphy of Kit Moss

Valinda Elementary Scchool, La Puente, CA
The next part of this story is my elementary school.  You can see it above.  It sort of looks familiar and sort of doesn't but given it's probably at least 60 years old, that's no mystery.

My first teacher was Mrs. Barcalow, a kindergarten teacher.  I don't remember a lot from that class.  There was a fat girl who used to punch people.  The principal once brought us all real orange juice Popsicles.  I remember there was one of those Brio train sets.

My first grade teacher was Miss Dorius.  She divided us up into three reading groups, Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla.  I was pissed when I was not in Chocolate.  I had a crush on a boy, my first time, and once kissed him on the arm.  He had beautiful eyes.  The less said about the teacher's reaction the better.  I remember the Dick and Jane reader with that little asshole Sally.  I did not like them.  I once took my toy Calico Cat and Gingham Dog my mother made me for show and tell.  I brought the dog another time and insisted it was a horse.  I used to daydream my mother was the teacher.

My second grade teacher was Miss Rose Cotton.  She had breasts out to here, and the fathers of the kids loved her.  I just didn't see it.  She also taught the summer school with one other teacher.  We did things with paper plates and sand, but I don't remember what.

I do remember Paul Grenier.  We played Roy Rogers endlessly.  I remember when recess was over we would ride our "horses"  back to class to the strains of "Happy Trails to You".  Joel, the boy who was the bad guy, always rode away when I approached him.  I wish I could tell you Paul once kissed me, but for reasons I cannot divulge, he didn't.   I guess you can say I pretended he did when I asked him on the school bus what he thought I should be when I grew up, and he said "A ghost!"  Paul had had polio, wore a brace on one leg, and I heard he died not long after we moved away.

That summer we moved to Juneau, Alaska.   My father got a job with the Department of Personnel at the State of Alaska.  I remember drawing a picture of what I thought my new home would look like, complete with igloo.
Not my original drawing.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

I Am Born: An Autobiography of Kit Moss

U.S. Naval Ammunition Depot, 1952
I decided one technique for accepting oneself as male is to rewrite one's life as a boy and man.  I plan to start this on this blog with the birth of Christopher Hawthorne Moss on January 3, 1952, in Hawthorne, Nevada.

 Kit's parents, Merle and Louis, had one daughter already, Denise, who always was a bit perplexed by her little brother. He was cute but cried a great deal, given that he had colic.  His mother put whisky in his bottle of milk to help him sleep.  Heaven only knows what affect that had on him.

His family moved away from Hawthorne when he was only five months old.  His dad had gotten involved with one of the officer's wives at the Navy facility where the man worked.  They moved back to Los Angeles, California, where his mother had grown up and his father had moved in the late 1940s after his years in World War II.

There are stories I can tell you about Kit before his family moved to La Puente, CA, and I will.  But for now, let's just look at some of the photos I can find of this sharp little boy.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Good Riddance, 2014!

    2014 was a helluva year.  It had its high points, writing two books, getting a Rainbow Award runner up for BELOVED PILGRIM, finding a certain amount of serenity at the tender age of 62, but so much happened that has left me reeling I have to acknowledge it.  Or try to.
     I don't have a lot of memory of January through April 15 of last year.  If we read through the diary I'll remember things, but just coming up with the memory off the top of my head is pretty foggy.  I do, or I think I do, remember the moments on April 15 when it all changed.  I remember talking to a couple people on the 14th and saying I had a terrible headache.  Then the next morning I remember being in the gardrobe and hearing the telephone ring.  I think I remember walking to the phone and having some trouble reaching for it.  And that's it.  I think that is the point that I had my stroke.
Jim tells me he called and got the answering machine, then called again a couple times, went to his boss Julie and told her he had a bad feeling and was going home to see what was the matter.  He probably saved my life .
     When he got home he looked around the apartment, then noticed our cats, one sitting on the table and the other one on the floor, looking at me where I sat on a Rubbermaid tub scrunched over.  He went to me and asked me how I was.  I apparently said "Bushy." He called 911, and the ambulance arrived in about five minutes.  They did all the paramedic stuff they do, asked if I could have taken too much insulin, then took me away on a gurney or whatever those are called.  They took me to Evergreen Hospital.  Jim went upstairs and printed out my prescriptions list and went to the hospital too.
     Now if you ask me the next thing that happened it was almost three weeks later. Maybe it was less.  I just looked at the calendar for May  and I can't tell you what day it was, the 2nd or the 9th.  Jim of course can remember every excruciating detail.  He remembers my being taken off to surgery right away to have a hole cut in my skull to drain off fluid that was collecting in my brain.  I had a ventilator put in so I could breathe, and I was given powerful sedatives to keep me from suffering from the ventilator.  I was out entirely for a almost two weeks.  Jim kept coming and spending most of the day and night with me in the ICU, trying to comfort me, to talk to me, to read to me, while I itched.  I did not really seem to know him at first, but after the ventilator was out he brought a list of questions about our lives at the suggestion of  the speech therapist.  He read them to me.  At first I answered pretty much everything with "January 3rd, 1952, no matter whether a date was called for.  I identified myself as Nan Hawthorne.
     Slowly I began to answer other questions.    Jim showed me a picture of the cats and asked me about them.  I said that Mr. Hata was "a nice kitty" and was pleased when he told me he was my kitty.    I finally answered every question, although by this time I had been moved from the ICU to the PRU and again to the ARU (Acute Rehabilitation Unit).  It was in the ARU that I remember anything at all.  He told me I had the most trouble remembering my mother's full name and I think the name of my high school or  college.
     He was very worried this entire time while I was dreaming about Julian Assange for some bizarre reason, but more on that next.  He worried I would be brain damaged, incontinent, and would require constant supervision.  In a word, he thought he had lost me.  The cats were at home alone, even after Jim took Mr. Hata to have teeth pulled, and he told me he sat on the bed one night and wept.  It breaks my heart to think of him so alone and scared.  He got  hardly any support.  It makes me realize how isolated we have made ourselves, but I honestly don't know what to do about it.
     About this time I started to be more conscious.  As I said, I dreamed about Julian Assange.  I remember in one dream  I was climbing on some sort of merry go round in a kids' playground in a park.  Assange was talking to us all, whoever "we" were.  That so impressed me I would talk about him to Jim and everyone else, including Laurel and Tiffany when they came to visit me at the hospital.  I also had a dream that I went to an urgent care clinic where the nurse Rasi made me fill out a long form because he was afraid I was exhibiting drug-seeking behavior.  I remember I was in my hospital gown and had peed all over myself.  I remember how Tiffany and I talked about someone named "Marianne"that I thought was significant somehow, as I think one of my nurses was a bitchy one named that, though I also remember that her real name was Elizabeth.
     At any rate I became more aware of my surroundings in the ARU and recall the therapists and my nurses.  I couldn't work the remote for the TV which also called the nurses if I had to get up from my bed,which had an alarm on it if I tired.  It was awful.  That's why I kept wetting myself.
     The glorious day came when I was allowed to come home.  I saw my cats, got to sleep in my own bed with my darling husband, and though I saw rehab techs for a couple weeks at home, I started getting better.  Jim has been astounded at  my progress.
     Of course he doesn't really know what goes on in my head.  That's one reason I decided to write this "end of the year" post.  Apparently what I had on April 14th and 15th was a bleeding stroke.  A blood vessel broke and I bled into my brain damaging my caudate nucleus.  That is apparently where ideas connect and are formed into memories in one's brain.  I was lucky and most of the blood drained into ventricles which kept it from damaging my brain worse.  These two things are what leaves me where I am today.
     Of course I am myself amazed and grateful to Jim.  He took a lot of time off from work, time that later resulted in some problems with contracts that he could not have prevented being gone, but he also can't give this as an excuse, that not being constructive.  He worried about me, took care of me, chided me to  take better care of myself, and generally he suffered.  If I wasn't completely smitten with him the first 32 years I most certainly am now that we have had our 33rd anniversary.  I fussed at him about drinking for a few months, but I think I am beginning to get some perspective on that and am leaving him alone about it.

So what is life like now?  I think it may be useful to enumerate the issues.

  1. My brain is generally in  a sort of vague fog.  Almost every day I spend some time a little confused.  My rehab doctor has pointed this out to me many times, and I am now starting to believe her.  I find that most of the time I have to do things in a methodical way.  For instance, I was just in the shower and had to wash my hair, choose soap to wash my face, then another soap to wash my body, then rinse everything off one by one.  How can I describe just how carefully and deliberately I had to do all that?  Because I am alone and not sharing every thought, I appear completely competent.  Only I know that nothing is going that smoothly.  The fact is I manage it all safely so it doesn't matter, except that it annoys and worries me.  I don't like feeling incopetent.
  2. My short term memory is rather wobbly.  I am involved in too many things and even taking notes on it all doesn't seem to prevent forgetting something I said I would do.  I utterly forgot about Times Rainbow, for instance, making me seem foggy and vague to Lori Lake who is doing the anthology with me.  I also committed to do the Gender Odyssey blog but don't seem to be able to regulate when and what.  I know I should not have taken these things on, but it's too late now.  Until someone fires me, I will keep muddling on.
  3. At one point when I was in the hospital I told Jim that "something tells me that gender is  important".  That is, that I am not Nan Hawthorne but Christopher Hawthorne Moss.  Being transgender just slipped my mind.  But it doesn't make it not so.  After seven months I am slowly coming to some new conclusions about my own gender.  I know I am not a woman in the sense I am coming to understand.  I now believe there is some truth to a difference between the sexes, how we think, how we act.  I am decidedly not happy with what that means when it comes to my being female.  I don't really like women as a group.  Whether or not they are truly the way they seem to me now I don't know.  I just know I do not want any part of it.  Sexually it's more uncertain.  I find both men and women sexually attractive but in different ways, and I find at nearly 63 and on the medications I am on, I am not really all that into sex.  I like to think of myself as a gay man, but I really am some sort of middle thing, genderqueer or whatever.  I changed my name and my identity and there it is going to stay.
  4. What about surgery or a mustache?  I think I will bag the latter.  I actually don't think one can even have a mustache transplant or I just don't want to for discomfort.  But shouldn't I look at top surgery the same way?  What difference does it make what gender I appear to others?  Do I really want to go through it?  Some days I say yes.  Some days I am not so certain.  I live most of my life in my mind anyway.
  5. And speaking of that, what about my writing?  Since I went on Ridalin I am much more focused.  I finished Angel Eyes and even wrote A Fine Bromance.  I can see myself continuing to focus on one book after another, though right now I to need to turn my attention to Time's Rainbow.  My progress is as methodical as I mentioned about my shower, but it works for writing, though I actually am worried that my work is not up to my usual excellence.  Nevertheless, it feels more productive and satisfying.  I sent Angel Eyes to Dreamspinner Press wondering if they will find it wanting in terms of HEA (Happily Ever After), but I know A Fine Bromance will please them.  I just need to get the teen-speak down.  I feel I can keep at writing unless I am completely mistaken about my ability.  I am prepared to do nothing but write. 
  6. And now to health and longevity.  I honestly have no idea how long I expect I will live.  I sometimes wonder if I will make it out of 2015.  No reason, just an impression that I can pretty easily dismiss.  I do want to improve my health, lose weight, fix my blood sugar and lessen the impact of my spine problems.  I am pretty sanguine about living.  The main reasons I want to live a good long time is for Jim's sake.  I no longer even feel like I need to live to write all my books.  But Jim needs me here and cogent. 
     I am sure I will remember other things I want to comment on.  For now I feel like I did a good job here.  I am tired and want lunch and want to get up so my butt doesn't hurt.  So for now I will call it good.  
    
 But for now I say goodbye to 2014 and welcome the promise of 2015.  I hope this will be a good year.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Web Sites on Transgender History

The following are random web sites I have collected to use primarily for research for blog articles for the three blogs at Gender Odyssey, Gender Odyssey Family and Gender Diversity.  There will be several such lists on different topics.  These lists may change as we find and add more resources.  From time to time we will add notes about the resources, and you are welcome to comment on them.  Drop us a note and include the name of the resource about which you are commenting.   There will be a date stamp at the bottom to let you know when the latest changes were made.

Transgender People in History

Scholarly articles for transgender history











Last updated  12-10-14.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Facebook Comments on My Passing Dilemma

If anyone ever criticizes Facebook to me I am going to go ballistic.  I have not only relocated old friends there, I have made so many new ones, and that is truly the case with the transgender community.  How did anyone ever live without it?

Anyway, I got lots of acceptance for my  last post about passing on Facebook.  Very supportive.  One asked for direct contact since he is at high risk for stroke and want to know more about the influence of T on that issue.  The best advice I got was just to believe I am a man and who cares what others think, and that people will accept what I project.

I had not mentioned top surgery in my earlier post.  I do plan to seek it sometime in 2015.  I have to get myself cleared for it by the neurologist first.

It also occurs to me that wearing my packer might give me a psychic boost.

I can't thank all those who responded to my post enough..  You are all tops in my book.  And thank you Facebook for making this possible and easy.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

TRANSMEN IN THE MILITARY: Hua Mulan


Originally published at DODFED GLOB

Legend or history? Who can tell with Hua Mulan, but the story of this woman turned soldier is compelling enough for Disney to tackle it. If Mulan never lived, certainly her story fit hundreds of others with the desire to "fight like a man" as well as the ability, forced or preferring to don a male identity in order to fulfill the plan.

Hua Mulan 's place in history is uncertain. The oldest mentions of her come from the Northern Wall dynasty, which ruled from 386–534 CE. The original ballad (see translation below) has been lost, but there is ample evidence of its existence in the form of poetic interpretations and early Chinese scholarship. It was turned into a novel during the Ming Dynasty (1368–1644). It has remained a favorite story in Chna for hundreds of years and is one of the earliest examples of stories about gender equality in the Chinese language.

Who was Hua Mulan and why did she choose to take on a male identity? When the emperor called for all adult men to be conscripted into the army to fight for him, Mulan was distressed that she had no brothers, and her father, who was elderly, could not show their family's loyalty to the empire. She decided to don the identity of a man as well as the armor and fought for no less than twelve years alongside male companions. She was so brave and valiant that the Emperor wanted to reward her with a government position, but in her modesty she turned the post down, choosing instead to return home to her father. In the legend Mulan reveals that she is a biological female and she and her closest companion turn into rabbits and go away side by side as equals. Hua Mulan's story exemplifies several Chinese cultural vbalues, modesty, fillial loyalty and courage.

Ode of Mulan

(Anonymous)

Tsiek tsiek and again tsiek tsiek,
Mu-lan weaves, facing the door.
You don't hear the shuttle's sound,
You only hear Daughter's sighs.
They ask Daughter who's in her heart,
They ask Daughter who's on her mind.
"No one is on Daughter's heart,
No one is on Daughter's mind.
Last night I saw the draft posters,
The Khan is calling many troops,
The army list is in twelve scrolls,
On every scroll there's Father's name.
Father has no grown-up son,
Mu-lan has no elder brother.
I want to buy a saddle and horse,
And serve in the army in Father's place."

In the East Market she buys a spirited horse,
In the West Market she buys a saddle,
In the South Market she buys a bridle,
In the North Market she buys a long whip.
At dawn she takes leave of Father and Mother,
In the evening camps on the Yellow River's bank.
She doesn't hear the sound of Father and Mother calling,
She only hears the Yellow River's flowing water cry tsien tsien.

At dawn she takes leave of the Yellow River,
In the evening she arrives at Black Mountain.
She doesn't hear the sound of Father and Mother calling,
She only hears Mount Yen's nomad horses cry tsiu tsiu.
She goes ten thousand miles on the business of war,
She crosses passes and mountains like flying.
Northern gusts carry the rattle of army pots,
Chilly light shines on iron armor.
Generals die in a hundred battles,
Stout soldiers return after ten years.

On her return she sees the Son of Heaven,
The Son of Heaven sits in the Splendid Hall.
He gives out promotions in twelve ranks
And prizes of a hundred thousand and more.
The Khan asks her what she desires.
"Mu-lan has no use for a minister's post.
I wish to ride a swift mount
To take me back to my home."

When Father and Mother hear Daughter is coming
They go outside the wall to meet her, leaning on each other.
When Elder Sister hears Younger Sister is coming
She fixes her rouge, facing the door.
When Little Brother hears Elder Sister is coming
He whets the knife, quick quick, for pig and sheep.
"I open the door to my east chamber,
I sit on my couch in the west room,
I take off my wartime gown
And put on my old-time clothes."
Facing the window she fixes her cloudlike hair,
Hanging up a mirror she dabs on yellow flower powder
She goes out the door and sees her comrades.
Her comrades are all amazed and perplexed.
Traveling together for twelve years
They didn't know Mu-lan was a girl.
"The he-hare's feet go hop and skip,
The she-hare's eyes are muddled and fuddled.
Two hares running side by side close to the ground,
How can they tell if I am he or she?"

See calligraphy and Chinese text at http://www.chinapage.com/mulan.html

Thursday, August 14, 2014

What Do You Call a Straight Man Who Stays with his Transman Partner? Jim.

You hear about straight women who stay with their transwoman partners, preferring, perhaps, the continued friendship with a woman over being single.  But how often do you hear about straight men who accept their wife's transition and stay with her?  Is it that men can't handle being partnered with another man?  Do they not want to appear gay?  Or was it just that their partnership lacked loyalty and commitment and a genuine desire for the good of the partner?  I have to conclude it is the last, since Jim Tedford, my partner of 33 years, has stayed with me even though I insist I am a man.

Did I consider this choice he would have to make when I came to the conclusion I am a transman?  Yes and no.  I was so fixated on who I am that I think I was willing, at least I thought I was, to accept whatever decision Jim made about staying with me.  Or perhaps I just thought he would stay, for whatever reasons.  I can't say that expecting him to stay was not one of the most selfish, most self-absorbed things I have ever done.  I am ashamed of myself, except that I feel I had to make the choice, or, barring that, I just did and I am beyond grateful Jim had the grace to accept what I chose.

I have known for a while that Jim accepted my assertion that my brain is male.  I suspect my Aries moon would just make me rush ahead, but what should surprise me is that he still loves me.  He was baffled at first, asked questions like: "What does it mean?"  I have had various explanations to his decisions, (when I stopped to think about it) primarily that Jim just did not want to be alone and that we have all this shared history.  I called it everything to myself from petty to arrogant that I assumed that was the main reason.  I have had occasion to think more deeply more recently.

In April, possibly because I went on testosterone, I sustained a hemorrhagic stroke, a brain bleed.  Jim came home early to find me sitting on a box on the floor with our cats sitting by me watching me, perhaps guarding me.  He called the paramedics who came quickly and took me to the hospital.  An MRI showed them I had had a bleed in my caudate nucleus.  I was completely out by then, constantly drifting off to sleep, unable to communicate.  Jim sat by my side, uncertain whether I would live or die, or whether if I did live I would be compos mentis, just what he could expect to see happen to the person he had shared his life with for more than three decades.

But Jim stood up for me from the first moment.  He told the hospital I was Christopher Moss, a man.  There is nothing about me that says "man".  I have large breasts.  I have a vagina.  I have no facial hair at all.  If my face had begun to take on a more masculine appearance, no one at the hospital would have seen me before to judge.  I was silent so my lower-toned voice was unheard.  The hospital had to take Jim's word for it.  What would happen to me if I lived would be another matter.

I was unconscious, unable to speak with the respirator tubes down my throat.  My wrists were lashed to the rails of the bed to keep me from pulling out IVs and the tubes.  I was more or less incapacitated. After the doctors first tried to prepare Jim for my death, then for my being impaired, then to staying in the hospital for months, and having the respirator installed for weeks, I surprised everyone by getting better.  Within two weeks I was off the respirator and able to begin relating to people.  Jim could not tell if I recognized him at first, but then I must have.  

When I was first able to speak I insisted my name was Nan Louise Hawthorne.  Every time I was asked I stated it emphatically.  Jim was surprised, but he decided to accept whatever I came to identify myself as.  That should have told me everything that he loved me and wanted me to be whoever I was.

Then one day I answered the question about my name, "Nan Louise Hawthorne... but something tells me gender is important."   Jim told me the first time I answered the question with "Christopher Hawthorne Moss" he was pleased.  He knew I was truly returning to him.

I have already written about Evergreen Hospital and how they almost to a person respected my status as a transgender person.  Happily the days of gender segregation are over, but that in itself shows respect.  My records were correct, my doctors and nurses used the right name and pronoun, in my case "he", and no one ever questioned me as to my choice.  

I know to a huge extent I owe this to Jim.  He was loyal to a degree that is astounding.  He did not take advantage of my disability to return me to being female.  He stated emphatically that I am a man and that he was my husband.  He did it, he says, "Because I love you, whoever you are."

If I ever took that for granted I do not any  more.  I have been acutely aware of opportunities for discomfort for him, but now I  know he completely accepts me as I am.

What makes Jim so special?  Let me count the ways:

1.  He is realistic... he looks at his life with calm and perception.  He does not veer off into the realm of self-serving interpretation or coloring.
2.  He is fair.   He learned young from dysfunctional parents that their notions of what is right in the world was dead wrong.  He questioned, and being intelligent, he figured out the truth.
3.  He is intelligent, intelligent enough to know when he is bull shitting himself.
4.  He is empathetic.  He knows, and what's more, cares how others feel.  He knows when what they feel is true and right.
5.  He is fair-minded.  He doesn't judge without all the evidence or at least an intelligent stab at it.
6.  He is real.  He does not have a façade that he believes in to his own detriment.  He sees himself clearly, and that is what he presents to the world.
7.  Jim is compassionate.  He knows when I am less than fair or generous and he forgives me for it.

Is he perfect?  Of course not.  It takes a lot of effort to be all these things, and it gets to him from time to time.  He copes with it as he can.

One thing Jim said is that over the past two years since I came out he has watched me become a serene and happy person, stable, untroubled, that I don't "chew" on things any more.  He figures that has to mean I am who I am supposed to be, that the consistency of my brain and body is no longer important, that my brain is me.

And he loves me.  He is attending the Gender Odyssey conference this year with me to, as I put it to a friend, "babysit my addled brain."  I am sure he will be uncertain, uncomfortable, but a weekend with all the trannies will get him more used to what I came to accept two years ago, people just following the personality of their brains.  He will relax almost immediately.  Yeah, these folks are different... so what?  They are being enormously true to themselves.  That is, after all, what he has done by coming to accept that he loves me.

I am astounded by him, by his growth, but his deep and abiding love for me, by his sheer completeness as a person.  I have tried to return his love, his loyalty, and I am not that convinced I have achieved what I hope to attain.  He knows me well, knows how focused on myself I can be.  He sees somehow in me though the earnest person I am however childish or selfish I can be.  He knows, somehow, how much I love and appreciate him.

I just hope he feels it.  My top priority in life now is to deserve his love